Serena: "Sorry, I could never take part in something like that."
Diana: "...Wait, what? Something like what?"
Serena: "Reading. Writing. I could never take part in something like that."
Diana: "Well, at least come to this party I already invited you to three times."

WALDORF

Minions returning: Kati and Penelope from Constance; Jessica, the overachieving blonde one from Columbia; oh, and that's it. Jessica kisses her some ass -- "Do yourself a favor and stop talking right now; even Pippa knew when to pipe down," Blair hisses -- and we revisit Nelly Yuki. Nelly Yuki, who apparently the whole punchline is her name because one time that was true. Nelly Yuki, who was never a minion and thus shouldn't be part of this conversation. Nelly Yuki, who got into Yale when Blair didn't, and obviously wouldn't be on this list. But hey, here's Cousin Peepers wandering into the house, cousin of the maid of honor and obviously a perfect replacement for Nelly Yuki in this contest.

Dear Diana, sorry but I can't do my job to day because I have to hang out being ritually abused by Blair Waldorf for zero reasons. Hopefully somebody will die during the Minion Wars. Hopefully it will be Penelope. Will send pix. XOXO, Cousin Peepers.

BARNES

Barnes: "Louis Grimaldi, His Serene Highness the Prince of Monaco! Why are you handing me an envelope of money in plain sight outside my place of business?"
Louis: "Dr. Barnes, who is a Manhattan therapist that barely blinked at tossing away Chuck's hundred grand, I am giving you this money to pay off your father's debts."
Barnes: "Thanks! I couldn't pay for those because I don't have any money. Besides all this money I totally have. Now, what can I do for you?"
Louis: "[Sometimes when he talks it is so gross. He's real cute and I feel bad saying it, but sometimes just words coming out of his mouth makes me want to fucking vomit. Maybe in French it sounds better, but his English sounds like somebody choking on oysters sometimes. Just a gullet full of oysters, slippin' and slidin' around.]"
Barnes: "Sure, I will turn Chuck back into a monster for you so I can have all this money that I already have. Hand it to me in public."