So somehow she has schemes and obsessions involving: Serena, Blair, Chuck, Nate and Gossip Girl. Oh, and Ivy. The only person is that if I told you Diana was here to mess with Dan, that wouldn't make any sense. Everybody else on the entire show, she actually came here from LA to fuck with. So dumb. Whoever it is, we're going to be like, "Duh," because it's everybody.
Jane: "Dan, it's so nice to see you! Serena, can I talk to you? Why the hell did you bring Dan here?"
Serena: "To make you think of him as more of a person. Which Dan Humphrey basically is."
Jane: "You are no longer involved in this movie. You're too close to it."
Ivy: Takes out one of the bridesmaids, it doesn't matter which one.
Diana: "Serena, you came after all!"
Serena: "Yeah, I was worried too. Because of all those times I said I wasn't coming."
Diana: "Tell me all your secrets at this party right now."
Serena: "I need to get a movie deal called off so my friend doesn't get Zuckerberged."
Diana: "I will take care of that."
(She takes her old friend Jane in the back room and does unspeakable things to her.)
Ivy: Takes out another bridesmaid, in an even stupider way that doesn't make basic sense.
Jane: (Comes out of the back with her hand over her eye and strange bruises all over her body.)
Dan: "Hey Jane! Can we talk more about that movie?"
Jane: "There is no movie. Ask Serena why. I have to go."
Diana: "I know the night's still young and the bar's still open, but I wanted to take a moment to thank everybody for coming. It means so much to me to know that if a bomb went off right this second, New York media would be over."
Everybody laughs. Nobody thinks that's weird or dumb. It is both.
Ivy: "Hey, did we make that person jealous?"
Nate: "I don't even remember what you're talking about."
Ivy: "Let's kiss!"
Diana: "We are going to be different from Gossip Girl and other anonymous sites, which traffic in damaging rumors and innuendo... Some girl kissing my teenage boyfriend... Sorry, where was I? Um, the Spectator is only going to print facts. If you did it, you deserve to get caught! And we're gonna catch you! So with apologies to my other esteemed editors, starting tonight, I'm gonna be poaching your best reporters and stealing all your best stories. And bombing you! I have schemes on everybody all the time!"