Blair points out to Chuck that, besides the fact that -- though they both love him dearly -- Nate is not exactly Nancy Drew, also there are two stories here: one is Chuck's, which is disreputable and not trustworthy due to the fact that Chuck is gross, and the other is Blair's, which wins every time in every way for every reason, because she is Blair Waldorf. Chuck swears he has proof, and before you get totally grossed out, we reveal...Effin' Vanessa Abrams and her stupid goddamn camera, taping everything they just said. This girl! It's just unsuitable, the shit she pulls. "Hey, I know this is your house and I'm not invited, and the last time you actually threatened my life, and you've already asked me not to videotape you, but...I'm Vanessa Abrams. I will always be yuckier than you thought. It's my mutant power!" They both demand the tape and she tells them both to get lost. Dan comes up in a huff from having once again been a billion times better than Serena in his own mind, just as Chuck tries to rape Vanessa for the tape. Blair's in the back, like, strapping on some brass knuckles. Dan shoves him away and Vanessa is totally nasty and then they leave and never, ever, ever come back. Fingers crossed, XOXO. Gossip Girl's like, "Now that sex and lies have been caught on videotape, V's documentary just became the most anticipated new release of the year." Or it would, if anybody could possibly fathom the concept that she took the camera off Dan for five seconds, or ever did an interesting thing.
Rufus comes to the Palace and decides to take the fiftieth in an ongoing series of Humphrey Man stands, and Lily is amused, bemused, and a little touched. The speech ends up with how Lily keeps marrying grown adult men with prospects instead of riding around on the back of his Vespa and selling things out of the garbage for her survival, but that this is because she's kind of a whore, and this is her bitch mother's fault, so come get on the Vespa, and aren't you curious what that is like? Wouldn't you like to eat a day-old hamburger from behind a restaurant and then ride his childlike Vespa back to the slums and live in a one-room loft apartment with three of the most insufferable human beings in the world, plus your own two well-bred but slightly insane children? It'll be like The Brady Bunch crossed with Great Expectations, only with way more horrible music! And then we can have our own kids! They'll be gorgeous, with your sense of style and my complete lack of sense or accountability! She smiles her usual sweet and superior smile, but doesn't dismiss him out of hand. Rufus leaves and proceeds down the street to treat himself with some ice cream, because he was such a very big boy just now, and writes it all down in his diary, which has unicorns on it, and a big sticker that says ROCK STAR!