Dan provides the compass that he is called upon to provide, and says that she still has the chance to do the right thing and tell the truth: he even suggests Queller might respect her honesty. "Um, like Nate's?" asks Serena, which is correct in spirit but does evince a troubling misconception Serena has about that word "truth," which Dan points out was not what Nate was telling, which was the problem. Serena's eyes just about cross with the lies and not-lies and up and down and black and white of it all. Dan, touchingly, floats the opinion that she's totally safe in that classy UES way, because she's "Serena van der Woodsen," and she's like, "Um, Bad Girl Serena? The whole concept of this show? Giant whore? Girl makes good? Just because we started hanging out post-rehab doesn't mean I actually sprang into existence. People actually do remember stuff from before we started dating, and it actually does count against me." And so it's his eyes turn to cross, because what? He breathes out and is like, "Ain't this a bitch," and they both think about how they're going to get expelled and there's not a damn thing either of them can do about it (plus the obvious fact that S going back to a boarding school means Blair and Eric will both probably kill themselves some more). So of course Dan is summoned to Queller's office to star in the Passion of the Humphrey some more. What will he do? I'm on the edge of my light doze!
Blair approaches Nate and commiserates with him about how expulsion from school -- which he hates -- means he won't get into college -- which he doesn't want to attend -- and so actually this just gives him more time to smoke pot and talk to his therapist about his gay tendencies, but also that it's so great because it was a totally worthless romantic gesture that wasn't at all self-destructive. She's like, "Well, if you consider how bad I want to go to Yale, I see what you did there, and I think it was awesome instead of futile and stupid. I guess we're in love." He's like, "Of course! You had that key in your room so I rifled through your shit and stole it like Vanessa would tell me to do." She is touched by his Lenny-like gesture for a sec, but then brutally rebuffs him and bounces before he starts petting her hair, because she loves him and doesn't want Chuck to ruin her in his eyes. That's pretty awful, actually: "I don't want to be with you." On the other hand, how awesome that Chuck's eyes are literally everywhere. I think he's got her beat this week.