Nate shows up at the Bleecker and Dan's all rude to him and then explains -- nobody would ever say this -- that he is just disappointed that Nate -- whom he invited to meet for coffee -- is not Vanessa -- who is not speaking to him. Trying to understand this terrible writing in this terrible episode, Nate goes, "You invited Vanessa here? Too?" Like desperately trying to understand the connection. But no, Dan's just nuts and thinking maybe because Vanessa drinks coffee she might go to a coffee shop, and then he goes, "I read like five self-help blogs about how to turn Friends into Lovers," which is a wonderfully Dan-like line that causes an amazing Nate face in response. Then, once again redirecting the episode for no possible reason but the plot, he abruptly goes, "You know, they say that you should take things more slowly with a friend than you do with someone you just met." Oh, is it? Is that what they say, Dan? He tells Nate to read the love blogs before hooking up with Serena, and Nate has like forgotten they just did it, so he agrees.

Meanwhile S walks into lunch with B, looking quite satiated, and B makes a joke about clogs that is not funny, makes very little sense, and is horrifically irrelevant, and we don't need to discuss it further. Over at the Bleecker, Nate's espousing a "whatever happens happens" philosophy, which burns Dan's skin of course, so he immediately starts in on Nate about how Serena is a whore and a vile woman of the night and will break his heart by not acting like a china doll who can somehow be both rich but poor and wild but responsible and a virgin but also a whore, which as he sees it was mostly the reason she's to blame for their failed relationship. Well, that and the fact that it's now incest or whatever.

Nate's like, "I've known this girl my whole life, and we're pretty much the same person anyway, so step off?" But no dice, and meanwhile B is giving S her blessing to try things with Nate, as long as it doesn't involve trying anything with Nate. Which is very Blair Waldorf of her. Serena, noting quietly that we're heading into "My Best Friend The Whore" territory, suggests gently that B has no idea what she's talking about, and it's like she didn't even say a word, really, because Blair is about to launch on a speech that... Seems to have been written by a person who has literally never seen this show.