Just when everything is squirk itself up to eleven, Vanessa shows up to apologize to Dan for that time she engineered his sister's abduction and suicide attempt and then lied and sold out his other sister, and Dan of course is not having it, not ever but especially today, so V gets all disappointed and haughty and left out. As per.
"I'm relieved you're not going to overdose," says Lily's sense of appropriate parenting, "But you should have come to me with this." She sits down and explains that she was the one who did the felony and that it is ridiculous that -- just this one time -- her kids are having to pay for her egregious and constant mistakes. S rolls over immediately, because that's the most grown-up thing Lily has ever said, and then they have a big old birthday cuddle party and everybody cries. What Lily does not do is pull out her own checkbook, like she always, always does, because she's still smarting from the time Juliet taught her that generally, blackmailers will continue to blackmail you, because: Why wouldn't they.
Dan surprises Blair crying due to her failure with Bryn, the whole Chuck mess, and the fact that she has literally lost her marbles this time, and he's super sweet to her, and she's awful to him, and Dan's like, "How about this: You're only getting insane this time because you're feeling competitive with Raina." Blair's response is fabulous -- "She's from the Midwest!" -- and so is her followup: Drying her eyes, chasing Humphrey out the door barking at him, and then looking for some more trains to wreck.
Turns out the Art History minion earned her an F because she went to Regular History and wrote the essay, and then just when it's darkest she finds out she did one thing right: Her intern wrote her W blog for her. "All that stuff about servants being like belts and purses, overpriced and interchangeable? It was really funny! Or mean..." Blair's like, "Mother fuck. Did I say anything about needing help from my friends and peers?" Oh, you betcha: "Friends are the fashion fundamentals!" the minion chirps, and Blair's heart grows a size or two, because my God that is exactly what Dan Humphrey would ghostwrite, if he were pretending to be Blair Waldorf.