Great American Road Trip
Are We There Yet?

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Excitement Vortex
t how awesome it is. Amy says she's going to enjoy herself tonight and put the disappointment over losing out of her mind. Surprisingly mature for Amy.

And it's time for the Grand Canyon. All the families get to visit it, although only one gets the helicopter tour. "The Grand Canyon is one of the seven wonders of the world. There are six more," Reno says. Then he giggles like a dumbass. The families are thrilled to see the Grand Canyon. Silvio has never seen it except in pictures and movies and can't wait to see it with his family. Seriously -- pictures and movies don't do the Grand Canyon justice. It's really something you have to see in person.

The families arrive at the Grand Canyon and they all find it amazing, of course. Amy says that the first most amazing thing she's ever seen in her life is the birth of her children, and the Grand Canyon is second. The Grand Canyon then can't believe that it always comes in second to the birth of children. The birth of children win all the King of the Road challenges and act obnoxious about it and it's just not fair! Meanwhile, the birth of children gloats all over the place and is really obnoxious. Darius says the Grand Canyon is even bigger than he imagined. Mason DiSalvatore says it's awesome, while Amy freaks out as her sons get too close to the edge. While she's worrying about them, Silvio is about to fall to an early demise. "I never thought that America would look this beautiful," he says. What's not beautiful is the shot right after that of Silvio's ass as he gingerly crawls towards the edge of the Canyon. The Pollards' view of the Canyon turns into a scream-fest when Amie is frightened by a squirrel. Except she thinks it's either a prairie dog or a gopher because they apparently don't have squirrels in Alabama. Probably because everyone there keeps shooting and eating them. It's a very tame squirrel, as they hold food out that it takes out of their hands. The kids are more excited about that than they are about the Grand Canyon. Amie insists on calling it a prairie dog. Doesn't she hunt squirrels down in Alabama? How does she not know? And sure enough, she says that if they were in Alabama, she would have shot and skinned the "prairie dog." Awesomely, the DiSalvatores meet up with the Pollards and Amy correctly identifies the squirrel as such. But then, tragically, Amy DiSalvatore herself is misidentified when the text on the screen under her name calls her "Blake DiSalvatore." This show is so boring that the editors can't stay awake long enough to do proper quality control. Pathetic. Amie seems to acknowledge that it is a squirrel and says if it was in Alabama, she'd kill it. She said that about it when it was a prairie dog, too, so way to recycle the joke, Amie. Amy finds this disgusting and tells us she won't be stopping by the Pollards for dinner anytime soon.

And the Cootes get their helicopter tour. Jennifer says this is an awesome reward and she can't think of anything better. Oh no, Jennifer? What about lunch at TGI Friday's or another stay at the Red Roof Inn? Jennifer is way too happy about how jealous the other families are of them. The helicopter hovers over the Grand Canyon and everyone thinks it's great. But there are no squirrels there, or even prairie dogs.

Over with more entertaining families, the DiSalvatores pose for a family picture. Silvio makes a gesture with his hands that he apparently makes in every photo, much to the annoyance and embarrassment of the rest of his family. Amy finally takes a stand and refuses to take the shot with Silvio posing like that. He puts his hand down, and when she's about to take the picture, puts it back up again. I found that funny. Recapping this show has really lowered my entertainment standards. Silvio defends his actions by saying that his hand gesture means "I love you" in sign language and the teeth-baring smile his family also objects to means "I am cute." Amy finally reaches a compromise with Silvio: he can do his "stupid smile" or his hand gesture, but not both.

The next morning, it's back to business for the families. They're told to go to the Grand Canyon Railway to compete in the End of the Road challenge. "DiSalvatores on three. DiSalvatores!" Silvio says. "What happened to three?" Amy asks. How is this family cracking me up right now? Oh, because they're competing against the Montgomerys, who are boringly talking about how Jesus will help them win. Except for Tyiler, who says he wants to go home "with all the money!!!" Jesus won't like that at all.

The families arrive at the challenge. Amie says for the fifteenth time that this is her family's first time in an End of the Road challenge and she's nervous. The Grand Canyon Railway features a bunch of old-fashioned steam engines. And also, Reno. He asks the families who thinks they're good talkers and who thinks they're good listeners. Silvio raises his hand at being a good listener, and Amy immediately corrects him. Reno says being a good talker and a good listener will be important for this challenge, called "The Great American Train Robbery" or "The Great American Telephone Game." Reno, those are two very different things. One of them is exciting and cool and one of them is boring and lame. Which means we'll be watching the Great American Telephone Game. There's one train with four cars and three safes in the front and rear cars. In each safe is a combination to a safe on the other end of the train. There are four cars per train, so family members will have to relay the combination to the family member in the next car, and the next, and the next until the car with the safe. If all the family members relay the message properly, then they'll have the proper combination and be able to open the safe where they'll get the next combination, which they then send down to the front car. The family that takes the longest to open all the safes will go home.

The DiSalvatores go first. Reno says he'll tell Silvio what the combination to the first safe is, and Silvio faces the other direction and prepares to race off. Reno reminds him that he'll need to listen to him first, and Silvio asks if that requires that he has to look at Reno. For real, Silvio. I wouldn't want to look at Reno either. Reno reads the combination. Silvio runs off and tells Mason and totally forgets one of the numbers. This challenge was made for the DiSalvatores to lose, I'm afraid. The combination goes down to the other end of the train, and it's not correct, of course. The family members go back to Silvio, and Mason is clearly pissed off at his dad for screwing them up. Silvio gets the code from Reno again and makes it back to Mason with the correct numbers. He tells them to Blake and turns around to give Silvio a "great job, Dad." Silvio looks very sad. The rest of the safe openings go off without a hitch, and Silvio stops the time at seven minutes and two seconds.

Next up are the Pollards. They have to think of a strategy, and Amie says Anslie and Aaron shouldn't have to talk to each other because they don't get along. Anslie is worried about this challenge because she's "very bad at numbers." Also not so good with telling people directions, as we've seen before. Aaron gets the first code and correctly gives it to Amie, who gives it to Anslie, who gives it to Ron. He opens the safe and gets the next code. But on the way back, Anslie gets her numbers wrong and gives Ron the wrong code. The DiSalvatores have a chance! Anslie runs back and gets the correct code from a very patient Amie, who interviews that she recognized how hard this challenge could be for a twelve-year-old and tried to keep Anslie calm and focused. Anslie gets the correct code back to Ron, and then back to Aaron, and they've passed the DiSalvatore's time by the time Ron is at the second-to-last safe. The DiSalvatores live! I will not be bored out of my mind next week! Well, no more than usual. Jennifer Coote is very happy to see the Pollards lose because she knows they're her family's only competition. Aaron gets to the last safe and stops the timer at eight minutes and fifty-five seconds. I really want to wipe those smug smiles off the Coote's faces. Amie interviews that her heart broke when she heard that they were still in danger of going

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Great American Road Trip

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