Great American Road Trip
Gateway to the West

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
Gateway to the Worst
age, and then ... uh oh! They're doing "Old MacDonald" too! But then Alecia sings to the tune of "Yankee Doodle" (played by Darius Jr. on the clarinet) with lyrics about their trip. She has them written down, so that's not impressive. The three people left in the audience (which we see has a lot of empty seats) don't seem to enjoy themselves. Andy Williams didn't like it, either. I think it's safe to say that if you're black in Branson, the crowd is always going to be tough.

The Favereys are up next, and Dee is nervous about having to perform in front of an audience of like fifty people. Dylan has an electric guitar, and he plays while Lenny accompanies him on a snare drum. Dee is like a little Supreme with her dancing in front of the microphone. I think they're pretty good, but the audience is crickets again. I think the audience only likes people from the South. Andy Williams doesn't know what to say about the Favereys performance. How about "it was really good," asshole. But no, he says he got bored and it was the same thing for the entire act. Lenny implies that Andy Williams might be senile in his interview.

And the Cootes make their first appearance this episode! Jennifer says they want to win, but she's not feeling very confident. Maybe because there's no way to cheat in a talent show? Just kidding, Jennifer! Don't kill me. The Cootes read their lyrics off a sheet of paper and rap and Jake beatboxes. Suddenly, they're dressed as cheerleaders, which Jennifer enjoys since it means her husband is getting made fun of hardcore when their friends see this on TV. They've put poor Jake in a cheerleading outfit, too. Oh, he is getting so made fun of in school. The girls, meanwhile, are wearing normal clothes. How unfair. They end with a little pyramid that has Cassidy balanced on her parents' arms. Yakov loves it.

The families take a final bow, and then it's time for the results. The bottom three are read first: the Montgomerys, the DiSalvatores, and the Favereys. Aw, really? I liked the Favereys. But I'm beyond happy to see that there's a possibility that the DiSalvatores are going home. Dee is shocked and sad ... until Reno tells them that this is a non-elimination leg, so no one is going home! WHAT? GROSS. And now there are twenty minutes of show left? The fuck? What are they going to do? I don't even care. Reno says that the top three families will be competing for an "absolutely amazing reward." So ... lunch with the mayor, then? Sounds awesome. And the winning doesn't stop, as Reno pronounces the Pollards the winners of the challenge. No way. They only won because they're from the South and Aaron is good at gymnastics. The Ricos were so much better. Amie thanks Jesus for the win, as well she should. I've always heard he was a huge fan of "Old MacDonald." For their amazing prize, they get a room at the freaking Best Western. Good lord, this show sucks. Oh, and they also get a cheap-looking crown and a bumper sticker. They arrive at the hotel, and we find out the real reason why Amie loves this prize so much: she and Ron get their own room. Anslie shoves her face in the sheets, which is probably not a good idea based on all those specials I've seen about the horrible things that show up on hotel bedding under a blacklight.

The next morning, the Ricos, Cootes, and Pollards get ready for their challenge. It'll take place in Carthage, Missouri, which has a drive-in movie theatre. The parking lot is full of classic cars, which Reno thinks is really cool. He tells us what the unbelievable prize is: a trip to Hollywood, California and a chance to go to a movie premiere and walk the red carpet. If I didn't live here already, I'd say that was a decent prize. It's not unbelievable and amazing like Reno said, though. With that, Reno asks the kids if they're ready for a chance to turn the tables and control their dads. This is all one big movie tie-in because this show is just one big stupid Reno-filled commercial. The Dads have to walk through the maze of classic cars and to a concession stand, pick up popcorn and sodas, and head back to give them to Mom. The whole time, the Dads will be wearing a blindfold device where the only thing the they can see are symbols that light up: left, right, go, and stop. The kids get to control which signs their dad sees as they try to direct him towards the concession stand. The first dad to make it to the finish line with intact popcorn and sodas wins the trip. Aaron says he'll be doing all the remote controlling instead of Anslie, so get ready for another Pollard win since he's like 17 and the rest of these kids are 10. Amie interviews that she's happy her husband is the one being controlled by her kids and not her.

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Great American Road Trip




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