Well, hello, post-Super Bowl episode. The Steelers win, and we open with the fantasy of beer-and-cheese-dip-laden football fans nationwide: three beautiful women getting it on, soaking wet. Mere, Izzie, and Cristina hang out in a steamy shower -- their hair inexplicably dry, and their makeup perfect -- giggling and flirting and sponging each other down hotly. I find it sad and unfortunate that poor little Ellen Pompeo, while still incredibly pretty, is not even in the same universe of hotness as the Misses Heigl and Oh, oh my. Eat a cheeseburger and invest in some moisturizer, Ellen! Anyway, Mere voice-overs, "Okay. Clearly, not my dream," as the shower door slides open and there stands...George. Hee. Cristina turns around and growls sultrily, "George." Izzie purrs that he's the strongest, most masculine man she's ever known. Cristina: "You're smarter than me. And you've got really great hair." Mere: "I'm in love with you, George. I always have been, and I always will be." George steps into the shower, throws his towel off, and...cut to the pathetic thing falling out of his own bed. Aw. MereVO: "See? Told you. Not my dream." George tries really hard to look strong and masculine as he heaves himself up off the floor and Izzie bursts in to remind him to use the plunger on the toilet. "What are you doing on the floor? Get up, something's wrong with Meredith."
Mere is wallowing in her bed of self-pity and telling the gang she's not going to work today. Despite their protests that she has to go to work and do surgery, Mere insists she's staying home, and she doesn't care about work OR surgeries. Cristina magically appears on the other side of her bed. "You have a...feeling?" Mere says yes, she has a feeling like she might die. Cristina tells her to shut up and come on. She sits down on the bed. "This is me being supportive. Go." Mere sits up a fraction of an inch and tells Cristina what we already know: the man she loves has a wife, and he's chosen her over Mere, and now they have her dog. "She's got my McDreamy. And my McDog. She's got my McLife! And what have I got?" She goes on some more about her sad, sad life, then adds, "Plus my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones." Heh. No kidding. Cristina attempts to look concerned as Mere says she just needs a sign that things are gonna change -- a reason to go on. Cristina ponders this for a second, then jumps up and rips the covers away. "Whatever, everybody has problems. Now get your ass out of bed and get to work." She jumps up onto the bed and actually kicks Meredith out of it. Awesome.
At the hospital, Burke and Webber discuss the quiet board they're staring at, and how it's a bad sign. McDreamy walks over and also notes the quiet board. Webber tells them a quiet board means trouble, death, and bad news, and for them to stop looking at him like that. They continue to look at him like that. After Webber stomps off, Burke goes to leave and bids McDreamy a "Dr. Shepherd." McDreamy: "Dr. BURKE." He asks why they can't call each other by their first names, seeing as how they've known each other for a while, and done surgeries together, and have best friend ex/girlfriends. Burke says he doesn't think so. Ha! McDreamy can't believe it, but Burke is serious. He says again, "Dr. Shepherd." McDreamy, defeatedly: "Dr. Burke."
Fool and the Gang are preparing for their day and lamenting the absence of Bailey. They separate, and Mere is standing alone in the pit. A drum beat comes out of nowhere. Dramatic! Pan over to McDreamy, who asks if she's all right. Mere says she has a feeling. McDreamy says he gets those, and if you wait long enough, it passes. Mere: "Promise?" McDreamy does; he promises. He promises hotly, in case you are blind. Mere walks away sadly, and Addison takes her place at the McDreamy Table of Hotness. She's all, "Hey, husband who doesn't really love me. What you doing?" McDreamy: "Waiting for it to pass." Nice.
Mere walks out to the ambulance bay to wait for a patient with the other interns. Izzie is explaining to Alex why they can never be together again, and why her panties are staying on. Cristina wonders which surgeon they're going to have to suck up to today. Out of frame, Bailey answers, "That would be ME." Yay! The Gang turns around to face her. She says she's been gone two weeks, and already they've fucked up so much that nobody wants them. "I'm supposed to be pregnant. I'm supposed to be on bed rest. I'm supposed to be calm. DO I LOOK CALM TO YOU? Did I raise you fools to be pariahs?" In response, George walks over and hugs her. "You're back!" Heeeee. Bailey snaps that she's not back, and orders them to go meet the ambulance pulling up. She tells George to page Addison and get a wheelchair. He asks what to tell Addison when she answers the page. We hear a sploosh, and Bailey says, "Tell her my contractions are ten minutes apart and my water just broke all over your shoes." George looks down, then wrestles Bailey into the wheelchair. She yells at him to get off her. He's just trying to help!
Cut to the ambulance, whose doors have just opened to reveal a hysterically screaming woman with blood all over her clothes. Alex gets her out and she's led away, still screaming. It's the kind of scream that makes you want to jump out of your skin, then kill her. Alex looks back into the ambulance, and -- hey, it's Christina Ricci! She's cute. She's also playing a paramedic who has her hand completely submerged inside the patient's chest. Now there's a sucking chest wound. Credits.
Cristina apprises Burke of the situation. On their way to see the patient, Burke remarks, "You were gone when I woke up." Cristina says she had to do a "thing." Burke wonders why she didn't leave a note. Cristina will reveal nothing except that she had a thing to do; she had to do this thing. Burke: "We go to sleep, I think everything's fine. We wake up, and you're just a little bit crazy." Cristina says she's not crazy. "I had a thing!" Okay, then.
Mere reports on sucking chest wound man when Cristina and Burke walk into the room. Christina Ricci is still there with her hand inside his chest, looking small and terrified. The guy's wife is still screaming bloody murder over in the next room. Burke assesses his patient, and asks Christina Ricci, who introduces herself as Hannah, why she has her hand inside his patient. Hannah says it's the only thing that would stop the bleeding, and every time she tries to move it, he starts bleeding out. Hannah's fellow paramedic bitches at her for sticking her hand inside the patient in the first place, but Burke tells him to get out. He tells Hannah that she's going to make the trip to the OR with him, and tells Mere to prep him to go. Cristina asks him what she should do. Burke: "I want you to make that woman stop screaming." Cristina: "I can't go to the OR?" Burke: "No. I have a thing to do." Aw, snap!
Cristina goes over to see the screamer. Alex and Izzie are already there, helplessly staring at her. SHE WON'T STOP SCREAMING. Please, someone, make the lady stop screaming. Before they can do anything, Nurse Olivia walks by to tell them of a new patient coming in -- a car accident victim with definite head injuries. Cristina takes off with Izzie, leaving Alex to deal with the hysterical woman and OH MY GOD THE SCREAMING. Alex's attempts to talk to her normally are in vain, so he finally grabs her, gets in her face, and screams just as loudly as she is. Oh thank the Lord, she's stopped. Alex is all, "Good. Okay, can you tell me exactly what happened to your husband?" Screamer bursts into tears and falls over into Alex. Hate.
George is peering into a room through the tiny window in the door when Webber busts him. George announces that Bailey's back. Webber gets all excited. "Bailey's back?!" He peeks through the window and gets a look at Addison examining Bailey's cervix. He jumps back, and gross George looks through the window again. Webber