Meredith is sad that McDreamy dumped her, and becomes even sadder when the entire hospital points and stares. Cristina and Izzie steal a male patient who has been diagnosed with a hysterical pregnancy from the psych ward -- only, it's the man's wife who is actually pregnant, and his "baby" turns out to be an enormous, malignant teratoma. With teeth. And hair. Delicious! Naturally, in lockstep with Mere's own life, everyone points and stares. McDreamy attempts several times to speak to Meredith, until Bailey gives him the smackdown we've all been waiting for. Meredith, in a move almost worthy of Bailey, finally sacks up and gives McDreamy a smackdown of her own.
In other relationship news, Burke and Cristina argue for about seventy years about whether to let Webber in on their little secret, until Burke decides he's had enough and goes to Webber against Cristina's wishes. McDreamy and Addison go to marriage counseling; Addison decides to move to Seattle so they can make up, but it's actually so she can make lots of money there and be a real famous neonatologist. And in my favorite relationship story of the night, Burke and George bond over a very cranky woman who is in for heart surgery. The woman's long-suffering husband is astounded that she's not dead after her heart CATCHES ON FIRE during her fifth surgery, and makes a break for it before she wakes up. George and Burke have a good laugh about this, and Burke tells George he's "[his] guy." Meanwhile, Alex is late for rounds and gets stuck babysitting a wheelchair-bound college freshman, who is trying to decide whether to have a procedure that would improve her quality of life and thus allow her some independence from her parents. She and Alex teach each other some hard lessons about life during their time together: the girl gets the operation, and Alex finds Izzie at the bar after work and kisses the ever-loving fool out of her. Hooray!
We open with lots of quick outside shots of Seattle: highways, the Space Needle, ferryboats. Then we're in bed with Meredith. There's no action; we're just lying there looking depressed. MereVO: "Communication. It's the first thing you really learn in life." Mere is now dressed and running out the door, now driving over a bridge to work, now adjusting her rearview mirror so as to get a better look at her floppy, floppy bangs. Cut to the hospital locker room, where people are shamelessly talking shit about our heroine. "She didn't even know he was married," pshaws a blonde nurse, who looks like she never met a bleach kit she didn't love. "I heard? She flipped out." Shut up, Blonde Nurse. Someone else says she got what she deserved, dating an attending. Blonde nurse remarks on McDreamy's perfect hair. More people talking about how Meredith is totally screwed. MereVO continues, "The thing is, once we grow up, learn our words, and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say, or how to ask for what we really need." We pan slowly around to the backside of the lockers, where Mere is standing there listening to her own reaming. I hope she uses her tiny, ineffectual fists to punch their lights out.
In a delightful segue, McDreamy and Addison are sitting in a counselor's office, listening as the counselor asks, "What do you really need? To make this marriage work?" McDreamy says he needs Addison to move to Seattle. Addison counters that she needs HIM to stop talking to Meredith. McDreamy can't help it that he works with Meredith. Addison: "You want me to pick up and move my entire practice? I want you to give up your girlfriend." Well, she has a point, although if you are the one who cheated on your husband, you're not really in a position to make such demands, are you? McDreamy says he is definitely not moving back to Manhattan -- he's not the same person he was then. Addison: "I know. You're a flannel-wearing, wood-chopping fisherman. I GET IT." I think maybe she has her escapist surgeons mixed up. There is more bickering until a timer rings to indicate that their time is up. They both give the counselor "NOW do you see what I'm dealing with here?" looks. Oh, you two.
Back at the hospital, George is telling Izzie and Cristina that Meredith has become like a zoo exhibit. Interestingly, George is munching on a banana as he says this. Koko! Cristina giggles, until George reminds her that it could just as easily be her. He says they should do something to cheer Mere up. Izzie tells him slyly that it's under control. She and Cristina exchange knowing looks, while George is all, "What? WHAT?" They won't tell. Bailey bustles in and asks where Alex is. Izzie: "Probably off somewhere, NOT kissing somebody." They start off to rounds, but Cristina and Izzie hang back so they can tell Meredith not to get assigned to a surgery this morning, because they have something super-awesome to show her. Meredith shows no signs of life, but snaps out of it when Izzie gets up in her face and screams, "Mere? MEREDITH CAN YOU HEAR ME?" Hee. Cristina and Izzie wonder if she's gone mental. Meredith fixes them both with a look and says she has not gone mental. She's about to, though, because at just this moment McDreamy and Addison exit the elevator together. Mere just stands there holding her coffee and staring forlornly after them. Cristina has to physically guide her into the elevator as a song tells us, "You're better off dead!" No mixed messages there.
The doctors are with a patient. Her name is "Kimberly Griswold," and she's there for another of multiple heart surgeries. Mrs. Griswold is blithely applying her makeup as this goes on. Her husband stands by and assists her with mirrors and whatnot. Alex runs in, and Izzie tells him through clenched teeth, "You're late." Burke adds, "Yes, Karev, nice of you to join us." Uh-oh. Alex in big trouble. Burke turns to Cristina. "Why keep the heart beating, Dr. Yang?" Cristina, who obviously knows the answer, gives him a blank look. "I don't...know?" Zany music starts to play. Bailey's astounded, all, "What?!?" Cristina repeats, "I have no idea." Izzie chimes in, "Oh, I don't know either." Dumb Meredith starts to answer until Izzie pinches the shit out of her. "OW! Ohhhh." Burke asks if anyone knows the answer. Alex starts to say it, but Burke cuts him off and asks George, who answers correctly. Alex sulks. You have to wake up early in the morning to beat George! George gets the case, and Cristina and Izzie tell Mere it's time to go.
Outside the room, Alex complains to Bailey that Burke is punishing him for the elevator incident. I wish I had a recap to link back to for that, but alas. The world is harsh. Bailey tells Alex that he was punishing him because he was late. Alex can offer no explanation as to why he was late, and Bailey just shakes her head. She tells him she needs somebody on a "nerve case," and unfortunately she is not referring to herself. Alex goes. Bailey turns to the three giggling stooges standing behind her. "And YOU THREE. Brush up on how not to embarrass me in front of the attendings, or I'll see to it that your hearts stop beating. We clear?" All three of them mumble insincere apologies, and run off to their little adventure.
After they make their escape, Cristina divulges to Mere that they "found" a case. Mere is no idiot: "You stole a case." Cristina says this thing is totally unprecedented. Izzie beams, "And we found it!" They lead Meredith to a room, and Cristina tells her that behind this door is the coolest medical mystery she's ever seen. "Now," she continues, "you can either walk away guilt-free, or risk your place in the program, which could possibly lead to spending the rest of your life serving fries in bad clothing. So you in?" She and Izzie wait eagerly for Meredith's answer, which is "hell, yeah." They open the door and address a "Mr. Herman," who asks them to please call him Shane, then states that he needs to hit the can. Mr. Herman is sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to the girls, so Meredith can't see until he stands up (with much effort, and a hand supporting his back) that he is about sixteen months pregnant. He says, as if it's the most normal thing in the world, that it seems like he's got to go to the bathroom about every thirty seconds these days. Mere is speechless, and her face of shock takes us into the credits.
When we come back, Izzie and Mere are hoisting Mr. Herman back into bed. He tells them that he was fine, and then within the last month, his stomach just grew and grew. "My doctor just kept telling me that I was gaining weight with my wife." As a side note, Mr. Herman looks so much like the bully from Karate Kid that I keep expecting someone to stand up and bellow, "Sweep the leg, Johnny! Put him in a body bag!" Man, I love that movie. "Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything." Words to live by, my friends. I would also like to note that my husband can ACTUALLY catch a fly with chopsticks. I have seen it in person. Anyway, Cristina explains to Mere that Mr. Herman was originally shipped off to the psych ward. Izzie palpates Mr. Herman's abdomen, and exclaims that there's something in there; it's not fluid. Mr. Herman is like, "No joke, there's somethin' in there! Somethin'...growin' in, you know...my womb." Mr. Herman says he knows he sounds crazy, but he can prove that he's not. Just then, an stern-looking nurse busts up the party. She says this room is supposed to be unoccupied, and asks whose patient Mr. Herman is. All three doctors point to the other and shout, "Hers!" The nurse says she doesn't have any paperwork on him at all. Cristina rudely brushes her off: "Give me a break, we shuffle rooms all the time. You know, if we need a bedpan changed? We'll let you know." Oh, shit. The nurse gives Cristina a look similar to the ones black