Cut to McDreamy, asking a young patient named Nicole if she's been having problems with "spasticity." I'd say your ex-girlfriend is the one with that particular ailment, Dr. McDreamy, but who am I to judge? Nicole's overbearing parents answer for her that they just wanted to make things a little easier for her, since she starts college soon. Nicole, who is in a wheelchair, sits quietly and makes bedroom eyes across the room at Alex. Nicole's parents start babbling about how Nicole is going to school locally, not that she wouldn't have her pick of any school she wanted, but she's not ready for it yet, blah blah. Alex gives Nicole the cutest wink ever perpetrated on another human being, while McDreamy confers with her parents. He tells them that the operation he'd like to perform will enlarge Nicole's bladder, and greatly improve her quality of life, as she won't be so dependent on a catheter. Nicole's mother, who is the real problem here, immediately nixes the idea. Her dad suggests that maybe they should think about it. McDreamy finally asks Nicole herself what she thinks. He tells her that she would be more like kids her own age -- in control of her bladder, and with a more normal sex life. At this, Nicole's parents recoil as if he's said "more normal WORSHIPPER OF THE DARK LORD," and McDreamy adds, "When that becomes an issue, of course." Heh. Nicole's mom says they're here for the pain procedure, and that's it. Nicole looks at McDreamy in resignation.
Outside, Alex complains about Nicole's parents. He says she's never getting that operation. McDreamy tells Alex that he wants Nicole to go everywhere he does today, just to get her away from her parents for a while and help her figure out what she wants. Alex: "You want me to baby-sit the wheelchair chick?" Oh, Alex, you're just as sensitive as ever. McDreamy says he merely wants Alex to convince Nicole to make the decision for herself.
Mrs. Kimberly Griswold, Bitch Extraordinaire, is being attended to by Burke in her room. She tells Burke that her room was bigger last time. Al, her husband, places another pillow behind her head as she grouses that the water he brought her is warm. "I need more ice!" Burke tells her that she'll be in the OR by this afternoon, and asks if she understands the risks. She says she's been through it too many times not to, then tells her husband, "Al, get the blinds. OPEN THE BLINDS! This room is depressing." Al follows her orders with a robotic efficiency. Poor Al. Burke tells George to get Mrs. Griswold's scans and the results of her tests. George tells Burke that he just wanted to thank him for choosing him today. Burke: "Well, you're my guy, O'Malley." George: "I am? I mean...yeah." Aw! Mrs. Griswold commands Al to hand her the tissues. "No, wait, hospitals have germs. Get my hand sanitizer." JESUS GAY.
As they leave the room, George asks Burke why you would be with someone who makes you that unhappy. Burke is like, "Excuse me?" George goes so, so overboard: "Like, you're happy with Cristina? And she's happy, I mean happier? Cristina happy is not normal people's happy, but..." George trails off when he sees the look that Burke is giving him, which is not anyone's kind of happy. George quickly recovers. "Scans! I'm on it. I'm your guy!" Burke walks off, and George kicks himself for being such an idiot.
Cut to the female members of Fool and the Gang (there it is!), waiting for an elevator. McDreamy walks over and tries to say hi to Meredith and ask her to talk, but Cristina and Izzie totally cock-block him. "NO," they answer in unison, and drag Mere away. Victory! Mere gives him a pitiful look over her shoulder as she goes. Turn around, little girl.
Alex wheels Nicole into the elevator as she asks what he did to get stuck with her. Alex tries to deny that he's stuck, but finally admits that he was late for rounds. Nicole asks why. Alex says he had things to do, and catches sight of Izzie rounding a corner down the hall. He and Nicole give chase, and Izzie turns around when he yells, "Hey, dollface!" She is not pleased to see him, especially when he tries to pass Nicole off to her. Izzie tells him he's like a broken record, and is only nice or friendly when it's convenient for him. "So no to your favor. No to you. NO." Alex is like, "What's UP with you?" Nicole watches this exchange with interest. Izzie says she did her hair; she had one night off in two weeks, and she can't believe she used it on him. "You couldn't even have bothered to kiss me goodnight," Izzie continues. "You're a coward, and you're just as shallow as you seem." She shoves her hand in his face, tells him she's over it, turns on her heel, and stalks off. Nicole: "She's really mad at you." Alex, for once, is speechless.
Room of Hysterical Pregnancy. Mr. Herman's wife, who is also pregnant, has arrived. Mr. Herman exits the bathroom with a urine sample. Mere asks him what precipitated the psychotic episode that got him admitted to the hospital. Mr. Herman says there was no episode. "And I'm not psychotic. I. Am. Pregnant." He asks his wife if she brought "it," and says he'll prove to everyone that he's not crazy. Before he can, though, all hell breaks loose. Mr. Herman's admitting physician busts into the room and demands his patient back. Cristina says it's clearly a surgical case, and it's theirs now. Bailey then walks in and wants to know what the hell is going on. Cristina tells Bailey to just look at the patient. Admitting Physician insists it's a male hysterical pregnancy. While all this is going on, Mr. Herman is dipping a pregnancy test into his urine sample. AP keeps screeching that it's hysterical. Well, someone is. Cristina tells Bailey there's a mass, so...surgical. Everyone continues to argue until Izzie holds up the pregnancy test and yells at everyone to shut up and listen to her. "Guys. Guys. GUYS! Shane took a pregnancy test. It's positive." Bailey: "Well, he's definitely a surgical patient now." Commercials.
Mr. Herman is getting himself an ultrasound, with Addison on the business end of the wand. Bailey tells the three thieves not to think for a moment she condones stealing patients. "That said, way to go." Aw, she loves them! Mr. Herman says the first pregnancy test he took was a joke to make his wife laugh. Imagine their surprise. Addison tells Mr. Herman that he is in no way pregnant. Why, Mr. Herman wonders, were his pregnancy tests all positive, then? Bailey says that's what they're going to find out. She orders a shotgun workup for tumor markers, and a CT. An photographer has already found his way into the room, and is shooting pictures furiously. Mr. Herman nervously asks what they're for, again? Izzie answers, "Oh, medical journals, monthly case reports." Cristina tells it like it is: "Annual banquet highlight reels." They both lean in over the patient and smile broadly. Someone's pager goes off; it's Cristina's. She doesn't want to go, since she found Mr. Herman in the first place. Bailey baileys, "Oh, no. We don't ignore pages, Yang." Cristina leaves reluctantly, and Bailey measures Mr. Herman's abdomen. Meredith, sensing Mr. Herman's increasing discomfort, asks Bailey if they'll be through soon. The photographer just keeps snapping away.
Nurse Black Widow hands Cristina a huge stack of charts: a rectal exam, two infected wounds, a catheter, a groin abscess, four debridements, aaaand...a case of explosive diarrhea. Cristina's like, "You're kidding." The nurse says (humorlessly) that she's not known for her humor.