The doctors are finally figuring out what House has known for years: everybody lies. Meredith lies to Cristina about still being hot for McDreamy, and Cristina returns the favor by lying about moving in with Burke. Cristina also does a number of awesome things in this episode, like getting in McDreamy's face about the way his behavior is affecting Meredith; learning how to stop worrying and love the Burke; and totally beating Alex and George in a hot-dog eating contest inspired by a competitive eating patient. Unfortunately, the actual competitive eater has torn her esophagus by downing one too many wienies. Meanwhile, George bonds with a sassy elderly woman who refuses to leave the hospital even though she's been discharged, because she doesn't want to go live in a nursing home. Alex, after waiting nearly the entire hour to open the letter, finds out he's passed his boards. Bailey goes into pre-term labor and is put on bed rest, but not before she reminds the interns that she is still watching each and every one of them. And Fool and the Gang devise a way to get rid of their pesky dog -- by giving it to Addison and McDreamy.
Over a shot of McDreamy in surgery, Mere gets right to it with her voice-over: "As doctors, we're trained to be skeptical, because our patients lie to us all the time. The rule is, every patient is a liar until proven honest." Mere watches McDreamy work from the observation deck; she's alone until Cristina joins her, shooting her a knowing look. Mere asks Cris why she's not busy prepping for rounds and stealing all the good cases, to which Cristina responds with the same question. Mere shrugs. "No reason." Cristina clearly doesn't believe her, and walks over to sit next to her. MereVO: "Lying is bad, or so we're told. Constantly, from birth. Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. I chopped down the cherry tree. Whatever." Agreed. Mere confesses that she's waiting for McDreamy, because he's "doing [her] a favor." Cristina says she's avoiding Burke, because he thinks she moved in with him. Mere: "He thinks you moved in with him?" Cris: "You're calling him McDreamy again?" They have a little staring contest, then each sigh heavily. MereVO: "Lying is a necessity."
Cut to McDreamy taking a sample of Mere's blood. She thanks him for doing this, as they won't accept her mom into whatever trial she's entering without a full family history. McDreamy says he's happy to get her mom in, then stands up and leans in a little too close to Mere's face for my comfort. "All done. How's that feel?" he says dreamily, staring deep into her eyes, as she does the same. GAG. Don't get me wrong, I love these two together too (say that ten times fast), but this is more than enough. MereVO: "We lie to ourselves, because the truth? The truth freaking hurts." She jumps up and says it feels good. I'm sure.
Cristina and Mere pede-argue. Cristina can't believe she's calling him McDreamy again. Mere says it's nothing. Cristina: "What are you doing?" Mere: "What are YOU doing?" Cristina: "Stop repeating what I say!" Heh. They stop at the balcony overlooking the front door of the hospital, and see George and Izzie banging on the door, bad doggie in tow. George screams through the glass, "Cujo! HAS TO GO!" Cut to all of them, including the dog, in the locker room, where Izzie is informing Mere that the dog peed on her bed. George complains that they got him without even asking what he thought. Mere pleads with them to take pity on the poor thing. "He's our dog! We rescued him! Come on, you guys." George says he's putting his foot down; either the dog moves out, or he does. Mere looks at the dog, then George, clearly having trouble making up her mind. George is incredulous: "You hesitated! She hesitated!" Izzie: "You hesitated?" Mere says she was just thinking. George is all, "You have to think about it? Fine, I'm moving out right now!" He tries to storm out, but runs into Bailey, and turns right back around. "Later. I'm moving out later!" Aw, Georgie. Bailey, hugely pregnant, waddles in and looks around: "Tell me that is not a dog." All of the interns intone simultaneously, "S'not a dog." Before Bailey can order them around for the day, her pager goes off.
Cut to the ambulance bay. The patient is a twenty-nine-year-old man who's severed three fingers on his left hand. The fingers, fortunately, were retrieved and are on ice. Rick the Fingerless asks anxiously if they can sew them back on. "'Cause they sewed that guy's penis back on, right?" Bailey tells Rick that penises and fingers are like apples and oranges. Heh. Rick explains that he lost his fingers loading his "gear" onto a truck, and they got caught in the lift gate. We learn that Rick is a guitarist. Oops. He's freaking out most entertainingly, begging someone to tell him this really isn't that big a deal...right? "Oh, dude, I so better not be out of the band." Crazy lead guitar music twangs us into the credits.
We return to McDreamy telling Rick that the cuts look clean, so that's good, but if the surgery is successful, he's looking at a long recovery. He examines Rick's hand, which has a hideous flamey tattoo on it. "You smoke?" Rick asks why he wants to know. McDreamy says smoking constricts the blood vessels, and he's seen really good grafts fail over a few cigarettes. Rick asks if that means his fingers will fall off if he smokes after his operation. Cristina just can't help herself: "No, first they turn black and necrotic. Then they fall off." Rick lies that he doesn't smoke anyway, so it doesn't matter. Cristina holds up one of his severed fingers. "Really? 'Cause judging by the nicotine stains, your fingers do." Anyway, isn't some kind of law that all musicians -- especially guitarists -- have to smoke? How else are they supposed to look all hard and cool without that nail hanging from their lips while they shred on that awesome cover of "All Along The Watchtower"? Rick knows.
An elderly woman calls from her hospital bed, "Helloooo? Is there anybody out there?" Only Pink Floyd, ma'am. A nurse wearily tells George that "she" was supposed to be discharged after her hip replacement surgery, don't look at her. George asks why she's still here, then. Nurse goes off: "Because I am not a bouncer, and this is not a nightclub. I am doing what I can with extremely limited staff and resources, and if you have a problem with that? Take it up with the chief!" This last part she yells right at Webber, who has just walked up. The woman starts singing loudly, and Webber tells George that Mrs. Larsen has to go. George wants to know what he's supposed to do about it. Webber: "She's 78 and non-ambulatory! You have the upper hand here." Webber catches Alex out of the corner of his eye and asks if they can talk for a second. Uh-oh. Webber hands Alex an envelope containing the results of his board exam. Izzie wants him to open it immediately. He says he'll get to it.
Mrs. Larsen's room. She's still singing. When she's done, George applauds nicely. Mrs. Larsen, who is what I believe they call a "firecracker" or a "pistol," dramastically thanks him. George introduces himself, and Mrs. Larsen gets all excited. "Oh, an Irishman! I love the Irish. They have a sparkle, you can see it in the eye. And a swagger." She flirtily asks George to show her the swagger. George attempts a swagger, but only succeeds in looking like he's sprained his ankle. Heeeee. Mrs. Larsen tells him the eyes are right, but the swagger needs a little work. George tries to tell Mrs. Larsen she needs to get the hell out of the hospital, but she interrupts, "Call me Sophie. Now, be a doll, and bring me a remote. This one's busted!" George says he can't bring her a new remote because she's no longer a patient, and according to her chart, she has a room waiting for her at the Sugarmaple Nursing Home. Sophie sets her jaw, and says she's staying until the room at her daughter's house is ready. "She's doing it a shade of pink," Sophie informs George as she rubs a little lotion into her hands. "Now, bring me a remote, Irish. I'm going to sing until you get back." Sophie starts singing in her little old-lady voice again, and George is defeated. He takes the busted remote, and heads off to find a new one.
Alex's patient is Yumi Miyazaki, an extremely attractive young Japanese woman who is presenting with persistent hiccups. Izzie tells Bailey that Yumi was given chlorpromazine, which stopped them for a while, but now they're back, and she needs a surgical consult to rule out esophageal perforation. Yumi is a champion competitive eater who doesn't speak English, as we learn from the man with her. He not only speaks English, but he is also her coach. Her competitive eating coach. I'd love to see his résumé. "Led over twenty competitors to eating titles, with only eighty instances of regurgitation." "Skills include coaching on consumption of bananas, hot dogs, oysters, mayonnaise, pixy sticks, and Krystal burgers." "Seriously, this is a real job." Izzie can't believe eating is a sport, but Alex recognizes her n