Grosse Pointe
Mommie Dearest

Episode Report Card
Gwen: D | Grade It Now!
Hot For Teacher

Ms. Van Guilden and Quentin read through their scene, in which Substitute Teacher Gander tries to seduce Stone. Rob prompts the teacher to remove her jacket. Van Guilden's a perfectly nice-looking woman, but her bosom has less volume than that of Helena the Slam Piece, and her hair has less shag and fewer highlights. Because of this, Johnny and Dave giggle like fourteen-year-olds. Rob reads up to the almost-kiss between Teacher and Stone, and the subsequent knock at the door. Dave and Johnny gesture lewdly. "Knock, knock," recites Helena. Hunter mouths the rest of the part along with her, proud of her mom.

Out on the lot, Helena complains to her daughter that she only has seven words. She wants the part of the substitute teacher that the "old bag hacktress" is playing. Hunter says she's done enough. "It's not your fault. You're not a big enough star to get your mother a real part," Helena says, stopping her constant smiling and waving to smooth Hunter's hair. Tori2 runs up to tell Helena she was "so good." Helena explains that she's had some custodial experience because she sometimes has to sweep the salon where she works. Her cleavage is frightening me badly. Are those silver dangles or lines? I can't look too closely. Hunter tries to escape, reminding Tori2 of their lunch. Helena offers to treat the girls to lunch, as long as they don't mind ordering appetizers only. "One line isn't exactly F-you money," she points out pointedly. Tori2 changes the subject, announcing that she's getting a bikini wax for her Beach Party hosting stint the next day. Helena offers to perform the wax for her. Hunter says that Helena doesn't have to do that, because she's an actress this week. "C'mon...I think I can find time around my seven words to rip a little fur!" guilt-trips Helena. "Mom. Gross!" says Hunter. Tori2 looks perturbed. Helena tells them not to be such prudes. She's going to get her hot-wax pot. "We'll make an afternoon of it!" she promises. "Great!" bleats Tori2, in that putting-on-a-happy-smile, waiting -'til-later-to-purge-the-bile way of hers.

Quentin, Johnny, and Dave emerge from the studio. Johnny jokes that Quentin should be getting combat pay. He says it's a special episode -- "Grosse Pointe meets Diagnosis Murder." "Where's the corpse? Oh, yeah, Stone's kissing it," rejoins Dave. They walk off cackling while Quentin accosts Rob. Quentin complains that the woman playing Ms. Gander isn't sexy, and therefore isn't good for Quentin's image. Rob tells him to relax. Ms. Van Guilden walks by. Quentin gives her a phony smile and then gives Rob a hard glare.

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Grosse Pointe




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