Grosse Pointe

Episode Report Card
Erin: D | Grade It Now!
It's Called A Vibrator, Honey. Look It Up.

Dickless parks himself on a lounge chair and moans that Shapiro's script sucks because guys don't sit around talking about getting girls off. "Sixteen-year-old guys don't even care if girls get off," he squints. Dave looks stunned. "I cared," he says. "Dude, you are so gay," says Dickless. "Yeah, dude," says Dave, "that's the main sign of gayness -- caring whether or not girls get satisfied." Dickless contemplates his navel as I register for china and wonder if Dave likes breakfast in bed.

Elsewhere on the lot, Joan the network executive is getting out of her car as Rob comes over and greets her. This is a dumb scene and entirely unnecessary, frankly. Basically, Joan wants to know how Shapiro is doing, Rob says she's coming on too strong, Joan says that's her passion or some such shit, and then they encounter Shapiro seconds later and Joan and Shapiro launch into a virtual femme-love-fest that is altogether retarded. Blah blah blah "riveted," blah blah blah "female sexuality," blah blah blah where's the vodka? Rob thinks that Shapiro's being a little bit irresponsible about the whole high-school-kids-having-sex issue. Shapiro's like, "But they ARE having sex, you pastry-hoovering tool." Joan tells Shapiro that they have to run the script past the broadcast standards department before they can shoot the big scene. Shapiro's lips are currently tattooing Joan's ass, so she readily agrees to this.

On the set, Tori2 and Hunter are being prepped for a scene. Tori2's saying that in her mind, she's always played Kim as a girl who's never had "it." She wants to get out of doing the scene, but Courtney tells her that she's nuts because this is the kind of work that garners Emmys. Hunter's success radar starts blipping, and she steps in to try and convince Tori2 that she doesn't have to do the scene if she doesn't want to. Hunter even offers to do the scene herself. Um, wouldn't that mean that she'd have to have sex with Brad? As in, HER BROTHER? Hork. And double hork.

Tori2's worried that she won't be believable in the scene. Courtney tells her that she's a great actress, how could she not be believable? Tori2 leans forward and whispers, "Because...Kim isn't the only one who's never had one before." Courtney is stunned. Hunter is stunned. The sound guy is stunned. The director calls, "Action," and the scene begins. Kim tells Becky that she and Brad are finally going to get some quality alone time, and that Becky has to help her think of a lie to tell her parents so they can be together. Becky doesn't like this idea at all and gets all flustered. Laura steps up to the plate and offers to help Kim out with the lie thing as long as she promises to tell them every juicy detail. I'm so distracted by Courtney/Laura's hair that I almost miss this entire scene. It's sticking straight out of her head. Straight. Out.

After the scene, Courtney is grilling Tori2 on the whole orgasm issue. "Never? Not even by yourself? Not at all?" Tori2 thinks that one time in her parents' Jacuzzi she might have, but she's not sure. "That's like not being sure if you've been to Europe," cracks Hunter. "Either you have or you haven't." Both Hunter and Courtney are members of the O club, which spins Tori2 into a head-bashing depression. "I need to buy shoes," she moans. "Oh, you need to buy something," grins Courtney, "but...they don't sell it in a shoe store." Hello? When did this happen? Courtney's now some sort of vibrator specialist? When the hell did she become Dr. Ruth all of a sudden? Isn't she from, like, Pleasantville or something? Hasn't she had a boyfriend since, like, birth? Where the fuck have I been?

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Grosse Pointe




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