Grosse Pointe
Secrets And Lies

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Shalom means never having to say "I love you"

After the commercial, we're on a classroom set, and Dave's in position as stand-in. The director calls for the first team, and Brainless enters. "Cool shirt," he tells Dave. "D'you get that outta my closet?" Dave says that it's his, and that his mom gave it to him. Hairless passes by. "FYI," he says to Dave, "a shirt like that would make someone a very nice birthday present. Extra large." Marcy enters with Coco, and she's going off about how Eli took her to dinner at the Ivy and how they went back to his place and how he's such a gentleman that he didn't even ask her to spend the night even though she kinda sorta wanted to. Man. I'm glad Schmarce is gettin' some non-Grosse Pointe-related romance, but SHUT UP ALREADY. You'd think the girl had never been on a normal fucking date before!

The scene starts, and Brad's in front of the classroom. "As you all know, Mrs. Thiele's husband left her yesterday for another man," says Brad. "Was he cute?" quips Kim. Okay. Funny, but, you know, whatever. Brad goes on to say that in her absence, he's been asked to introduce one of his favorite books, Moby Dick. "The book starts with one of the most unforgettable lines in English literature," says Brad. "'Call me. Ishmael!'" Laughter on the set ensues. The director cuts. Coco tells him that he's not leaving a message on an answering machine, that the character is telling the reader that "Ishmael" is his name. Coco's taking over Hunter's role as diva-bitch, and Brainless ain't likin' it. He wants to know what her problem is. "Had you even heard of the book Moby Dick before today?" Coco snides. "I really don't like what you're trying to insinuate about my intelligence," says Brainless. "If anybody's a Moby Dick, it's you." Ignoring that lame insult, can I just say something here? He knows the word "insinuate" but not the word "reassess"? Right. And, as Alan1959 mentioned on the boards, don't they have table reads and rehearsals on these shows? Don't you think that maybe they would have caught these little errors of Johnny's before, say, THE ACTUAL TAPING?

Anyway, they start to shoot again as Schmarce sneakily pulls a Star of David necklace from beneath her turtleneck. When she says her "Was he cute?" line again, Rob catches a glimpse of the necklace and goes ballistic, bringing the shooting to a halt so he can go over and talk to Schmarce. "Uh, I don't get it," he says. "Is it a fashion statement?" "No," says Schmarce, "it's a religious statement. In fact, I was thinking that Kim could go back and have her bas mitzvah because she never had one." "Yeah," says Rob, looking at Schmarce like she's mental. "There's a reason for that. SHE'S NOT JEWISH." "Well, why can't she be Jewish?" asks Marcy. "That's how I've been playing her."

And here, Rob takes it very slowly, because obviously Marcy's had a lobotomy recently and has lost the capacity for thought. "Her name is Peterson," he says softly. "She sang in a church choir last year when Brad got hit by lightning. She dropped down to her knees and prayed. To JESUS." "Okay," says Schmarce, "maybe she could find out she's adopted."

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Grosse Pointe

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