Bobby Hatcher is a hockey goon. That means he beats people up in the middle of a hockey match. As far as I know, this is not a tie-in with the Seann William Scott movie. He contracts a mystery disease and also attracts the enmity of Taub, who thinks hockey would be great without all the fighting. And he hates bullies. As a result, much of the episode revolves around Taub making guesses that thinly veil his contempt. And then House mocks him for it. Eventually, Hatcher turns out to have Epstein-Barr, which caused mononucleosis. And Taub makes a friend.
Meanwhile, Wilson has been losing sleep because a neighbor has a noisy baby. This leads House to present him with a long-lost eleven-year-old son, which eventually freaks Wilson out because he's not ready to raise a child. But it was all a scam in which House hired a professional child actor. So, I guess, never mind?
Oh, and Park moves in with Chase. But there's no sex involved. Instead, Chase ends up playing cribbage with Park's grandmother. Saucy!
Hockey! Skating! Hard hits! Pucks! Sticks! Everyone has their name on the back of their sweaters, so I'll have the patient's name right away! A guy named Wallace is slow to get up. A guy named Hatcher is watching from the penalty box. Out on the ice, he's very polite to the other guy (Szabo), telling him he's got his rookie card. Then the fight! Punch punch punch! Szabo is down! He's not getting up. But it's Hatcher who goes to his knees and coughs up blood even though Szabo didn't lay a hand on him. Get a trainer over here! Hatcher is tonight's contestant.
House is playing one of those "twirl the hockey player on the stick" games, because he always has theme-appropriate toys. Taub used to have one for the Bruins and Habs. He thinks goons cough up blood all the time due to broken ribs and stuff. No, the emergency room obviously checked that. Chase goes straight to sarcoidosis and then he and Taub argue about whether fighting is important. Adams suggests sidicosis related to duck hunting. Taub has to check the stool for blood, which would verify his abdominal tearing theory. Chase and Adams have less humiliating tasks to search for their theories.
In the patient's room, Taub argues with Hatcher about whether fighting is important. Hatcher claims he takes the hits so the smaller guys don't have to. "I thought you'd appreciate that."
House barges into Wilson's office, where Wilson is napping. He didn't get sleep due to a noisy neighbor's baby. House says "Hmm," which Wilson accurately recognizes as the sound of House overanalyzing things. House claims that Wilson is lactating, which is evidence that the sound of the baby is making him miss children. He brings up Beth, the falconer that Wilson dated. When they broke up, Wilson showed up drunk. She called House and asked him to pass on a message that she was pregnant. That was eleven years ago. House claims that he asked Wilson how he'd feel if she was pregnant and Wilson said it would be the worst mistake of his life. Wilson doesn't buy it. I think Wilson should consider just not buying anything House has to say, ever.
With Hatcher in the MRI tube, Park complains to Chase about how she has to live with her grandmother and take care of her. Chase recommends moving out. And shutting up about it. Anyway, Hatcher's spleen is huge, which means that he doesn't have sarcoidosis.
In House's office, Park says leukemia. Taub says it's related to injuries. Go!
Taub attaches stuff to Hatcher, who receives a call from his agent. As Hatcher's dealing with the bad news ("I thought you said 'any day.'"), they discover that Hatcher has developed breasts. That seems like something to do with steroids. Or possibly estrogen, which is sometimes used as a masking agent.