Head Cases
S(elf) Help

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Drunken Bee: B- | Grade It Now!
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S(elf) Help

"Imagine that you're in a hammock. It's a summer day. Imagine that your show wasn't just canceled, and you weren't stuck in this limbo of the unbaptized: the post-mortem recap." Jason sits in his car listening to a relaxation therapy CD when Schultz startles him by rapping on the window. Schultz advises Payne that those relaxation CDs are "crap" and that, personally, he lets his mental health rise or fall depending on the quacky-sounding "scientific fact that you can't be angry and panicked at the same time, so just find something to get pissed off about and then, gone." The "gone" part seems about right.

A work crew is attempting to hoist the oversized couch in through a second-story window. I really wish they wouldn't go through so much trouble. Jason wonks around about "reeling some things in, especially since I'm paying for it. Did you get my memo?" and Schultz replies, "Yeah. What's with the memos? My office is like ten feet down the hall." Heh. But then he continues with the sad exposition of the no-longer relevant narrative: "I think those memos played an important role of your nervous breakdown. Your subsequent firing from Hawkins and Bates, your overall humiliation and fall from grace." Jason continues retracing the steps of last week's episode, reminding Schultz that his firm offered his old job back, "which for some bizarre reason I passed on to start a practice with you. Which at the rate we're going through money should last another two weeks." Oh, the hubris!

They walk into their Beach Law Bungalow (which came with their purchase of the limited edition Attorney Ken) to find an attractive young blonde. Jason recognizes her as "Madeleine," and she calls him "Mr. Payne" and gives him a hug. She tells him her husband is in trouble, and Jason can't believe the wittle giwl is married: "Husband? Last time I saw you, you were on your way to Stanford. How long have you been married?" She answers, "It's four months now. Ken and I both dropped out after our sophomore year and eloped." Wow, I can't believe this show is really going to take on the rampant cultural problem of Stanford students dropping out of school to…get married. Kudos for being so bravely topical, Head Cases. We learn that Madeleine's dad is, according to Jason, "protective" and according to the Li'l Mrs., "a total bastard." Schultz interrupts by yawning "I'm here" (no, really! He really does yawn!), and Payne finally introduces him to her, which give him a chance to clarify his until-now slightly inappropriate relation to this girl: "I've known Madeleine since she was a kid. She used to babysit Ryan." Okay, so she's not just some random cute girl, but his kid's former hot babysitter. Glad to see we got back on the wholesome track. Schultz's mind is equally as dirty, and he mumbles out an insinuating "That's what I'm talkin' about."

They sit down, and when Madeleine says she'd like some water, Schultz tells her that "all we have are pork rinds and pepperoni sticks." Tell me about it. Jason and Madeleine start talking about her husband's criminal problems while Goldberg hams it up in the background for no discernible reason. ["I believe the reason is that Goldberg is awesome." -- Sars] Apparently "Ken" has been charged "with arson and environmental terrorism. They say he blew up a car dealership." And not just any car dealership, her total bastard dad's dealership. I wonder if her dad actually did it for the insurance money? Oops, sorry, my brain sort of just made this whole episode unnecessary. It turns out that Goldberg's hamming was so that he could get worked up into one of his anger fits, and he does and no one is surprised. When he's finished, he comes over to the table and asks, "Wait a minute? Your husband's an elf?" Madeleine answers, "Uh-huh, and me too." Turns out Schultz used to be an elf. Jason is, like, SO confused: "I'm sorry? Elves?" which allows Schultz to breeze, "Yeah, ELF. You know, Environmental Liberation Front." The brave topicality of this episode just got even braver. NOTHING is more pressing than the problem of students dropping out of Stanford to not only get married, but also become environmental activists. What? Jason wants Madeleine to reconcile with her parents, but she refuses, saying they've shut her out and that "they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet." Stop the presses! A very boring item needs to be added to the society pages! The Li'l Mrs. begs Jason to help, saying that the public defender is pressuring Ken to plead guilty, and that she has money to pay Payne. Jason says he wouldn't be comfortable litigating against her father and ignores Schultz repeatedly saying he's comfortable with the case. The Li'l Mrs. gets up to leave, and Schultz follows.

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Head Cases

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