Helix Pilot

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | 30 USERS: B
Who Put Monkeysicles on the Secret Menu?

A field of white, then a caption with the words, "2 DAYS Ago." The chyron complies nicely with television's rules of typography: Things that are clean, futuristic and horrible get sans-serif fonts; things that rely on some complicated backstory and/or ancient eldritch lore get serifed to hell and back; things hoping to coast on an air of current events or just-the-facts-ma'am attitude get Courier.

ANYWAY. Two days ago, in an appropriately sleek and futuristic structure located in the midst of a snowy wasteland, two dudes in bunny suits are walking through endless corridors as a robotic voice says, "Contamination" over and over. They appear to be chasing after a blood-soaked, terrified man. He had managed to get through some gate with his handprint, then something grabbed him and yanked him off-screen.

But we're past that. The two bunny-suited men enter through the gate and go into the lab, which is empty save for a few scattered bodies. As they walk, Dionne Warwick's "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?" plays. I hope she also knows the way to a big bank account because the real estate in San Jose has gone bonkers in the past decade.

Anyway, we see that the runner is lying on his side, shivering at the back of the lab. One of the men leans down and smiles faintly before taking a water bottle from the other man. I'm just going to start using names here: Dr. Hatake squirts some water down the stricken man's throat. We see his veins (black-looking) stand in stark relief, then his throat bulges and pulses as if it's about to split. Behind Dr. Hatake, security head Daniel Aerov asks, "What is that?" Dr. Hatake smiles a bit and says, "Progress."

We go to the credits, which riff off "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" as the san serif font of futuristic horror seeps black liquid. If aliens landed on our planet and asked me to define the SyFy network in one image, I'd use these credits, that's how predictable it is.

So now we're at the CDC and about to meet two of our protagonists: Dr. Alan Farragut (older, handsome, seemingly absent minded) and Dr. Sarah Jordan (young, stamped from the same "adorable, nubile genius" mold that produced Simmons over on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.). Dr. Farragut is about to give the welcome-to-the-government-the-work-you-will-do-is-vital speech to new employees and he wants to use a pump handle as a prop, and Dr. Jordan finds it for him. Sadly, she fails to remind him that if he's going to tell the story of London's 1854 cholera epidemic and its role in epidemiology, he may as well name one of the world's first modern epidemiologists, Dr. John Snow, and his partner in the epidemic, Reverend Henry Whitehead.

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