Hell's Kitchen
10 Chefs Compete

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: C | Grade It Now!

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 26
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 44
Times I Want to See Robert on My Television Ever Again: 0

Last week: Jim went home because he wasn't crazy and shouty enough for Gordon Ramsay.

Sabrina is relieved not to have been sent home, and resolves not to undercook any more food. Interesting strategy! She tells her team that she's sorry she screwed up and promises to do better in the future, which everyone accepts. Over in a bedroom, the men are plotting to get rid of Robert. How hard can that be? He's still in the hospital!

The next morning, the challenge involves an intriguingly covered table. A craps table. But the dice are twelve-siders (dodecahedrons, if you want to be geometrical about it) and they're covered in letters, not numbers. Each chef will roll a die and pick an ingredient that begins with the letter they get, then the teams will make a dish that combines all their ingredients.

Suzanne's first roll is "R", and she picks rabbit. Amanda rolls an "H" and picks something called "Haricot Vert", which turns out to be French green beans. Tennille's "P" gets the potatoes, then Sabrina's Garlic and Ariel's Ham Hock finish it off. I agree with Tennille here: "That sounds tasty. That sounds like something you could work with." Sure.

Blue side! They'll miss a roll because of Robert, who's in the hospital. Andy rolls an "H" and blanks for a second until he comes up with Haddock. Dave's "F" leads to a long pause, and over Kevin's desperate hope for Fennel, Dave comes up with ... Figs. Hmm. Not a great start. Van gets an "A" for Angel-hair Pasta, and now the women are openly laughing at them. Kevin also rolls an "A" and promptly says "Apple". Well, that's kind of an easy one. Andy goes with Tomatoes for "T". Well, okay.

Now, each team has thirty minutes to split up the work. Ariel sketches out a plate and the red team all seems on board, although Suzanne is micromanaging everyone. The blue team is a bit at sea, and Dave is working extra-hard to justify the figs. Suzanne claims that she dislikes her team just as much as they hate her. On the blue side, Kevin adds figs to a sauce, and everyone agrees with surprise that it actually tastes pretty good. On the red side, Tennille thinks that Ariel's garlic puree is too garlicky. Oh, whatever.

Tension! Countdown! Plating! The women have a... thing combined with all the stuff I said earlier. Van is pretty enthusiastic about his competition: "I look over at the girls' dish, it's so beautiful, it looks like it came out of a cookbook!" Chef Ramsay comments approvingly on the moistness of the rabbit leg, and Suzanne says "cooked to perfection." That's weird. Chef Ramsay's only negative comment is that the garlic puree is a little strong. Kevin agrees with Van that it looks perfect.

The men's dish is all the men's ingredients, combined into food. Kevin introduces it, explaining that the sweetness of the fig balances the acidity of the tomato, which Gordon allows is "very clever". Both dishes are termed delicious, and the winners are ... the blue team! They are exultant and a little disbelieving. The red team lost because of the garlic, which leads to some gloating by Tennille.

The men's award is to go to Las Vegas. You can imagine what manner of hooting that generates. Meanwhile, the women's punishment is to clean the kitchens and bring in food from the trucks. This happens every season, and it always strikes me as odd that the losing team has to carry the food in through the dining room. Anyway, watch for the moment when they didn't check the manifest carefully enough. That's always television gold!

The first box breaks open when Tennille puts it on the parking lot, and spills lemons all over the place. That's pretty boring, but I'd rather watch it than the endless "Vegas, baby!" nonsense. Van is shrieking pretty much nonstop. And are the guys leaning out of a limo, throwing devil horns at the camera? Oh my yes. It's almost a relief to return to the women complaining about carrying boxes.

The men are in a big, crazy suite with a basketball court and a pool table with black felt. Black felt. What a time to be alive. And speaking of time, it's 1:15 AM when the women are rousted out of bed for another delivery. Tennille feels that this is some [bullbleep]. And she's right.

The men return without quite as much taunting as we usually see in this situation, either because they feel bad for the women or because they're hung over. Robert isn't back yet, and they don't miss him.

During prep, the women are getting sick of Suzanne, and she's getting sick of them. Meanwhile, the men are trying to psyche each other up and using the word "team" a lot. And just as they're telling each other how much they don't miss Robert, guess who comes through the door. (The answer is "Robert". Robert comes through the door.)

So now the men are all complaining about Robert being back as he cheerfully tells them that apparently his heart is too small for his body. Robert gets his chef's clothes out and does not miss the fact that nobody's talking to him. Incidentally, Sous Chef Scott is showing everybody a dish with cheese on top of fish, and he tells them to be sure to "take all the plastic crap and everything off of it." Andy tells us that he does want Robert to be healthy, "but as a team member, he's gotta [bleep]ing pull his weight." You can make your own weight joke here if you want.

With the chefs lined up in the kitchen, Chef Ramsay checks in with everyone, particularly Robert (it wasn't a heart attack, which is good to hear since I was so mean about it last week) and drops the bomb that they'll be having "the most amazing" chef's tables in the kitchens tonight. Have you seen these? They're tables actually inside the kitchen, which is supposed to be particularly classy and upscale. But the people eating at them are some of Gordon's own executive chefs, so they're presumably used to the shouting and cursing. And if they don't get their food fast enough, I imagine they might just get up and cook it themselves.

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Hell's Kitchen




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