Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: C- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Sheer Heart Attack

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 28
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 27
Times Robert has had to be rushed to the emergency room so far: 2

When everyone's sent back to the dorms after last episode's decidedly undramatic departure, Chef Ramsay wants another talk with Amanda. He counsels her to bounce back, and she continues to claim that she's not weak. Up in the dorms, Robert is talking a great deal of trash about the red team and their lack of cohesion. Sure enough, Tennille is ranting at her teammates about how she doesn't feel that she's getting enough respect. She complains to us that "They're not going off of who's a good cook. They're going off of past services! Well, ladies, the past is the past!" That's a very catchy slogan. Of course, the past is also the time when everyone saw whether or not you could cook. Also, I'm pretty sure Gordon told them to base last week's elimination on past performance. Tennille continues to grouse and complain and shout.

The next day, it's time for a low-calorie challenge. Each team will create three dishes, which cannot be more than 750 calories between them. Robert takes exception to this in an interview, talking about how he takes 750-calorie bites, and how he's "a chef that likes to cook with butter, cream and fat!" Yeah, that's great. Hey, remember last season, when you had to quit because your morbid obesity gave you a heart attack and almost killed you? Just thought I'd bring that up. No reason. Anyway, shut it. Chef Ramsay lays down the rules (one appetizer, one entree, one dessert) and points them to where all the ingredients are laid out and labeled. Did you know that one ounce of mushroom is six calories? The teams have 45 minutes while being monitored by nutritionists. Go!

Robert, for all his woofing about high-calorie meals, is right in there making suggestions with everyone. He thinks a seafood grill is a good idea. I think he's right. The blue team splits up into teams of two: Kevin and Robert on appetizers, Jim and Van on entrees, and Dan and Andy on Desserts. On the red team, Sabrina reminds us that she works at a health club and spa, so she's very used to paying attention to calories and carb counts and all that sort of thing. Well, that's great, but all Gordon cares about is the calorie count. After that, he's giving the win to the team with the best-tasting food, not the one with the most, um, beta carotene or whatever.

The blue team's appetizer is a seafood salad. Their appetizer, according to Van, is a pork chop with soba noodles. And at that point, the men are already over a thousand calories, even before the dessert. Apparently the soba noodles are 546 calories. Jim starts trimming the pork chop and pulling out noodles. Meanwhile, the red team is cooking things already, even though Amanda is having trouble wrapping her head around a fruit-based dessert.

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Hell's Kitchen

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