Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B+ | Grade It Now!
Farewell, My Lovely

Thanks to Lady Lola for covering for me last week. And I see we got rid of Joseph (no surprise there) and Tony (so we can stop arguing about which celebrity he looked like -- although it was totally Rick Moranis).

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 29
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 48
Sous Chef Scott's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 2, although we saw them multiple times

Lovely claims that the reason she didn't get sent home is that Gordon loves her, although I think it's more likely that he wanted to keep the pace of one chef being sent home per show. Meanwhile, Tennille is mad at Suzanne for nominating her, and goes directly from bragging about how much integrity she has to telling Suzanne to kiss her ass. Tennille yells at us a bit more in an interview, explaining that Suzanne cannot be a leader because "a leader don't get slapped in they mouth like Suzanne about to." On the blue side, Van is talking smack about Andy. Also, Van is heavily tattooed. Just thought I'd mention it.

The next morning, the chefs assemble in the dining room to get their next challenge. On the news that she and Suzanne will be partners, Tennille shouts at us that she dislikes her more than she's ever disliked anyone. Yeah, yeah. At least Suzanne doesn't SHOUT EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. Also partners: Van and Andy, Robert and Jim, Ariel and Sabrina, Kevin and Dave, Tek and Lovely. And Amanda will be sitting out. Scott and Heather bring in a string of sausages. Three of the red team have never made sausages before, which prompts Gordon to talk about how the Blue team is "comfortable with their meat." He tries to bait Tennille into his risqué joke by asking her how thick she likes her sausage, but she cheerfully tells him she doesn't like sausages. Zing! Van, what's the secret to a good sausage? Van is happy to participate, and explains how to keep your hands steady while you pump it slowly. Yes, yes. Anyway.

The point is that they'll be making sausages that must be 6 inches long with precise width. One member of each pair will be feeding the meat into the squeezy thing (sorry for the technical terminology there) while the other operates the sausage skin. The winning team will be the first one that gets six strings of six sausages each. Go! Suzanne and Tennille look like they're working together pretty well, and their first string is approved. Dave and Kevin (both of whom are injured, remember) are the first from the blue team. The women are soon up 3-1, which means that only Kevin and Dave have gotten a string done while the entire red team has done it. Robert and Jim are falling behind because the sausage keeps splitting. It could be because Robert is pushing the meat too hard, but he complains that he doesn't like being stuck with a half-ass like Jim. I think Robert needs to face the fact that Jim's ass is the right size. Robert is actually about a 250% ass. The score gets up to 4-4 (Van: "Blue Team! Failure is not an option!"), then 5-4 for the women. Ariel brings up her and Sabrina's string, but they're deemed too thin. Lovely brings up her and Tek's string, and the women win. Bam! I guess failure was an option! And it was refreshingly drama-free.

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Hell's Kitchen




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