Hell's Kitchen
14 Chefs Compete

Episode Report Card
Daniel: B- | Grade It Now!
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You Come at the Queen, You Best Not Miss

After the commercial break, Ramsay announces that Red Team won -- not really a surprise -- and that the women are going to be spending the day go-karting, which really gets them all excited. Further, Elizabeth and Elise's dish is judged the best, so they're doing the People magazine thing. "I cannot believe that we are going to be in a magazine! This is everything I wanted out of life," Elizabeth tells us, which makes me feel really sorry for Elizabeth. Also... you do know that you're on television right now, don't you?

The women scamper off, visions of go-karts revving in our heads. "This is the best day of our lives!" says Elise, who I'm pretty sure has a child.

As for Blue Team, they're ordered to produce eighty quarts of "stunning" chicken stock, and they're glumly working away when Red Team strolls back through the kitchen, having changed into their street clothes. Natalie in particular is peeved to have lost a challenge to a team that came up with raw fried chicken. Someone makes a joke about Elise not being able to fit her big head inside a helmet, a joke that's even funnier when a talking-head lets us see that Elise has her own name tattooed on her breast. Because of course she does.

So, of course the reality show has to do the cheesy shot of the women marching in line in their racing uniforms, helmets tucked at their sides. It's all the lamer because this isn't exactly Days of Thunder we're watching, here. Hell, it's not even Talladega Nights. We spend an exhausting amount of time checking in with most of the women to find out what they think of the goddamn go-karts and it's beyond boring, except maybe for when Elizabeth says she doesn't even know how to drive. "I'm from Manhattan, New York," she says, sounding just a little snotty, like driving is something only hillbillies need to do.

Back in Hell's Kitchen, Blue Team decides to practice for their service by miming cooking. It's really kind of bizarre. And then Chino manages to fuck up mime risotto. I mean, obviously he's doing it to present a bit of an obstacle so they can practice overcoming something like that, but Will and Jonathon are all, "He can't even fake being a good cook." Jonathon exasperatedly points out that there wasn't even any real cooking involved. Yeah, well, there was no actual undercooked risotto involved, either!

Back at the stupid go-kart track, there is one stupid race left between stupid Carrie and stupid Elise and stupid Jamie. "There was no way I was going to allow Carrie to win the race," says Elise, who proceeds to run Carrie off the track at every opportunity. And then Jamie "wins" some stupid trophy and everybody cheers, and unfortunately there is not even one go-kart-related fatality.

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Hell's Kitchen

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