We're back! Already! After less than two months!

Sorry about all the exclamation points. I'm just trying to get excited for this. Let's try this: Welcome back to everybody's favorite cooking reality show! Unless you prefer Top Chef! I personally didn't watch Top Chef Masters, but I imagine it was okay. And this will be better. Yes! Let's go! Bring it on, mother[bleep]ers!

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 42
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 16
Best Description of Salmon Ever: "Like a bison's penis"

I'm skipping the "coming this season" section. It's nothing new. Shouting, throwing, blood, fire engines, trash talk, and more shouting. It's the most adjectivey Hell's Kitchen ever!

Jean-Philippe waits on the front stairs for a bus full of dopes to arrive. And here they are! Ariel (27, sous chef) has this to say: "Whoo!" Whoo indeed, madame. Louie (45, diner owner) is ready to do a backflip, and is the sort of guy whom someone should tell to kiss their grits. But before we start, Jean-Philippe has to make them go through a gauntlet of past contestants. Bonnie (from Season 1) speaks to them from inside one of those televisions in the long television-strewn hallway and tells them about the time she didn't have the heat on her burner. Everyone has a good laugh, and Tennille (28, executive chef) gives us an enthusiastic "duh!" The next television has Colleen from season 5 mistaking sugar for salt. Amanda (27, sous chef) gives us the first [bleep] of the night. Colleen recommends tasting your food before serving it, which Joseph (27, sous chef) finds kind of basic. Yes it is! I'm looking forward to finding out how many of these alleged professional chefs will ignore the useful basic advice! Next, Aaron (the fainting guy from season 3) is shown crying, and Van (26, fish cook) calls him a sissy. Classy. Everyone laughs meanly at Aaron for crying in Hell's Kitchen. Even me. Man, that guy bugged.

The voice of Gordon Ramsay cuts in, asking "Are you ready?" and everyone looks around in confusion, with one of them saying "I know that voice..." That seems like the minimum research it would take, doesn't it? You should at least be able to identify Gordon Ramsay to be on the show. Gordon's face appears on a giant television screen, and after he demands a few more times to know if they're read, it slides up to reveal the actual Gordon. Lovely (23, executive chef at a children's camp) [bleep]s in astonishment. Gordon shouts at them from inside his fog and light show and tells them to get to the kitchen and cook him their signature dishes. Van is enthusiastic and shouty.

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