Hell's Kitchen
16 Chefs Compete, Part 1

Episode Report Card
Daniel: C- | 1 USERS: C
Slaves to the Grind

After the commercial break, Jessica and Nedra are even contemplating picking meats they've already incorrectly guessed... so no, it's not going well. "I'm sweating like two fat bitches, I'm shaking like a stripper," says Nedra. Um, what scary-ass strip clubs do you go to?

FINALLY they identify the duck, and Mary -- with Amanda -- nails the veal chop on the first try, while Red has five minutes to get the swordfish right. Jacqueline's not worried, since there's only so much white fish up there to pick. But they go through catfish, cod and halibut first, and then get swordfish with just under four minutes left. Cyndi gloats that she doesn't know what's wrong with the men (that's a list that could really push the running time of this show into several hours per episode) but if she were them she'd be contemplating a sex change right about now.

Red's reward is a day at a beach house in Malibu: A $15-million mansion, at which they'll be meeting some "very special guests," after they're taken there in chauffeured convertibles.

As for the men, they're going to be spending the day making bread -- that includes hauling in all the flour and grinding it. There's some minor traffic congestion in the kitchen (Ray winds up screaming at Nedra for getting in his way) and now Dan is openly wishing for the women's convertibles to flip over and kill them. Then there is some gross sound effects humor at the expense of Nedra as she tries to fit herself and her huge breasts into one of the cars.

They arrive at an admittedly stunning place -- so that's what $15 million gets you in Malibu. Meanwhile, the men are grinding the flour, seasoning it with sweat and profanity. Ray busts out a not-ironic "I'm too old for this shit" line.

So who are the special guests? Laird Hamilton and Gabrielle Reece come jogging up the beach, and Nedra almost explodes when Laird takes off his shirt and heads for the water with a paddleboard. Cue the montage of Check Out the Women Falling Off Their Paddleboards, with Cyndi proving particularly inept. Then we see about half a second of volleyball action with Gabrielle, like WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS.

Back at the Kitchen, the men keep grinding, and Jeremy collapses. "I need the medical aid really bad," he says. I hope medical aid prescribes a treadmill, dude. Some circuit training, maybe.

Jeremy's able to get to his feet by the time the medic arrives (after a commercial break that works the HK pitchfork into a heartbeat monitor display), complaining of dizziness and being overheated. Turns out that Jeremy is a former stroke patient. Yikes. Jon is feeling particularly shitty, blaming himself for taking so long to identify the obscure meat known as turkey, contributing to this punishment. The medic does a couple of tests, and with Jeremy's high blood pressure, opts to take him to the emergency room. Jeremy frets that he might not be able to come back to Hell's Kitchen because of this. "I want to win, but I don't want to die," he says. Hey, some people are dying to get on this show, not off, Jeremy.

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Hell's Kitchen




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