Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B+ | Grade It Now!
It's Back!

Welcome back to Hell's Kitchen, you fucking donkeys! Actually, I mean that affectionately, so I believe it should be "doughnuts." I've been watching a lot of Kitchen Confidential and Gordon Ramsay's The F Word, so I think I've got a pretty good handle on when Gordon's cursing because he's outraged, when he's cursing because he likes you, and when he's cursing just because that's how he talks. Also, I have determined that the reason your restaurant is failing is because your owner does not command respect, your servers are inattentive, and you don't serve simple food made from fresh ingredients. And because you have dog poop on the floor. Get that cleaned up.

Okay, let's get this party started.

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 26
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 37
Contestant Quote of the Night: "Yeah, gimme the reins, man. Lemme drive this bitch!"

Los Angeles! City of green hills and ponderous voiceovers! In previous seasons, Gordon Ramsay yelled at a bunch of idiots. People fell down, cut themselves and cried a lot. People collapsed in ways that made other people a little suspicious. But improbable as it may seem, each season had a winner.

We join Jean-Philippe at the set -- I mean "restaurant" -- as he's reading out the names of the 16 contestants. The other hundred or so chefs in the room will be pretending to be happy for them. This year's field is said to be the strongest ever, which is no less convincing for being the thing that every reality show says about every season's cast.

Our first contestant, who bears a suspicious resemblance to Yahoo Serious (ask your parents!), is Danny (23), an executive chef from Florida. I guess in Florida, "executive" is not inconsistent with "long stringy hair and backwards baseball cap". Danny refers to himself as a God of Cooking. Next, Ben (26), an Executive Sous Chef from Chicago, who says he "comes off as intense", and you know what that means in a reality show contestant. (It means he is a jerk.) Colleen (41), a cooking instructor from Nebraska, is enthusiastic, even though she knows her hook is "old gal."

We see terrifying visions of the future, which include an unfortunate amount of chefs snarling at each other, the usual amount of Gordon swearing, and precisely one biplane. And this will supposedly be The Most Amazing Season of Hell's Kitchen Ever. I guess that's possible. I mean, I don't remember being all that amazed last season, so the bar's set pretty low. If something amazes me, I'll be sure to mention it.

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Hell's Kitchen




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