Hell's Kitchen

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I have noticed in the past that if I don't eat before watching Hell's Kitchen, I get increasingly irritable about all this delicious food being ruined by donkeys. So this time, I've made sure to eat a couple of microwave burritos. And I didn't undercook or overcook them, so I'm ahead of the contestants. Now, on with the carnage!

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 47
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 54
Food That Looks Better Than Microwave Burritos: All of it!

Fran is angry about having been nominated for elimination last episode. And the episode before that. And the one before that. Benjamin plots against her, vowing that she'll be next. Or it might just be a good guess.

Down in the kitchen, Gordon Ramsay prepares a chicken gorgonzola in a microwave. It looks pretty good. Certainly better than those burritos I just ate, which may have been made of dog food. Okay, here's what I've learned: if I eat lousy food just before watching, that also makes me mad. The contestants file into the kitchen and give it a taste. They all lavish it with praise, and then a disgusted Chef Ramsay tells them it was "frozen [bleep] food." Nice going, guys! The sound guys put in a sound effect reminiscent of a loser on The Price Is Right. Gordon mocks the chefs for praising the freshness and vibrancy of the food that was cooked months ago. And that leads us into the Blind Taste Test, at which Nilka is confident.

Out in the dining room, Gordon asks who has the best palate. Jay and Benjamin raise their hands, and Fran claims to have a good palate. This, if we are to believe the editing, prompts open mockery and laughter.

Round one is Fran vs. Autumn. Fran thinks the Brussel sprouts are white cabbage, and Autumn goes with "cabbage." The next thing is pork tenderloin, which Autumn thinks is turkey and Fran thinks is roast beef. You have to think that Gordon just wants to get rid of both of them right now. Sweet potato is not carrots (Autumn) or parsnips (Fran). Autumn correctly identifies coconut, and Fran goes with potato. What? Man, that's just awful. I'm not saying I'm a supertaster or anything, but I know what coconut tastes like.

Round two: Holli vs. Ed. Ricotta cheese is not polenta, even though that's what both of them guess. In an interview, Autumn giggles, "Maybe it does taste like polenta. What do I know?" Well, if you're claiming to be a professional chef, you should know what food tastes like. This is awful. I can't even list the endless wrong guesses. Holli stumbles into trout (which Ed thought was canned tuna), so we're tied 1-1. In an interview, Ed explains that it's hard to guess food blindfolded and with earphones on, and I'm sure it is. But you guys are supposed to be experts in the field of making things taste good. You don't think Gordon Ramsay would kick this challenge's ass?

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Hell's Kitchen

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