Hell's Kitchen
8 Chefs Compete

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Screw Your Courage to the [BLEEP]ing Post

Oh, hello! Daniel is on assignment (whatever that means) so I'll be your Hell's Kitchen recapper this week. I'm Montykins. You might remember me from that time I recapped this show for four seasons. And this last weekend, I met Keckler, who was the recapper before me. That's not really relevant, but I thought it was neat. Look, we'll have plenty of time to talk about dummies undercooking the risotto once the show starts. That's still what Hell's Kitchen is mostly about, right? That and Gordon Ramsay pretending to be surprised that the awful people still can't cook?

Let's see... I see we're no longer doing the Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter, where we track everyone's cursing to see whether Ramsay out-bleeps the cooks. I realize I have the power to reinstate it while I'm here, but I'm kind of glad it's gone. It required more bookkeeping than this show really merits.

Okay, enough stalling. Let's get to work.

According to the Previouslies, two women dislike each other and one of the guys successfully recognized the taste of scallops. Then there was a bunch of other stuff that I kind of zoned out on. Those episodes were recapped. If you're so curious about what happened in them, go read about them. I'm not going to live in the past. Seriously, though, these Previouslies are taking forever. This is allegedly going to be the "most intense dinner service yet," which seems unlikely.

Right. It's red menu vs. blue menu. We start in the middle of Chef Ramsay not liking the blue team's quail because it has bones in it. He's mad at Clemenza, but not quite mad enough to throw him out at the beginning of the episode. So he tells the blue team to start over. Justin magnanimously announces that he will personally be inspecting the quails to make sure they're bone-free.

Over in the red kitchen (hey! My "Over in the red kitchen" macro still works!) the women are pretty confident. Gordon has everybody line up for the usual anti-pep talk. He tells them, "Your menu, your stations, my standards." I think that means the chefs get to decide for themselves what station they'll be working. They don't play it up much, but normally the stations are assigned by Ramsay or the producers or something.

Sous Chef James is instructed to open up the doors. The red menu has Christina's flatbread and Kimmie's ribeye with Tiffany's potato gratin. I think there should be an "au" in there, but I'm just telling you what the announcer says. The blue team has Justin's scallop-stuffed squash blossoms, Justin's steak and fried onions, and Brian's sea bass. The correct answer here is the steak and fried onions. Why would you order anything else?

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Hell's Kitchen




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