Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Holy Crocamole!

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 32
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 20
Quotes from The Muppet Movie stylishly laced into this recap: 1

We pick up exactly where we were at the end of last episode, with everybody on the red team hating Suzanne. Up in the dorms she basically begs for forgiveness, and the best Ariel can do in response is to tell her to act nicer to her teammates. See, it means more when Ariel complains about Suzanne, because she hasn't shouted at me for nine episodes like Tennille has.

Challenge time! Chef Ramsay talks about how great the French are and then assigns each team to make four crepes: breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. Oh, man, I could go for a crepe right now. I was in line for a crepe a couple of days ago, but it was taking too long so I went somewhere else and now crepes are all I can think about. [I think that's why the Soviet Union failed: long crepe lines. - Zach] Gordon tries to take my mind off it by briefly conversing with JP (or as Van has inexplicably decided to call him, "Whistle-britches") in French. But when Gordon starts making a demonstration crepe, it's like he's trying to kill me. It looks pretty tasty, is what I'm saying.

The chefs have 20 minutes. They're off! Since there are four chefs on each team, everyone gets to work on their own crepe. Suzanne tries to be a good team player, which means she's running around getting people cutting boards and stuff. Sabrina is not impressed: "She's such a kiss-ass!" Oh, and the exceedingly classy "gag me!" hand gesture. Ariel is also not impressed.

On the blue side, we see a cavalcade of failed crepes. It looks like they're not spreading it evenly or something. Don't ask me. I never claimed to be a great chef. The same problem is happening on the red side. There's a general lack of actual crepes happening. And then the time is up! And JP will be helping Chef Ramsay rate the winner, because he's Belgian, which is almost like being French. Well, Ramsay calls it "seventh best". Anyway, let's go.

First, breakfast. Van has his take on bacon and eggs, which seems pretty straightforward. It also seems like an omelet. But he used quail eggs, presumably to make it more fine-dining-y. Chef Ramsay likes the idea, but describes the crepe as "spongy". Van's take: "Denied, scumbag!" Ariel has a smoked salmon crepe with some honey in it. The winner is Ariel! 1-0 Women.

Lunch time. Tennille's got pepperjack, bacon, and shrimp. Ramsay and JP find it very spicy, and Tennille makes fun of them in an interview: "Man, I never seen two grown-ass men so scared of spice before in my life! Come on! Get a grip!" Andy's got a fancy version of ham and cheese. Andy wins, so we're tied 1-1.

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Hell's Kitchen

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