Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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The Shouting of the Chefs

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 32
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 33
Stories Montykins Is Going To Tell You About Berlin: 1

Last week: The sight of 12-sided dice did my D&D-playing heart good.

The show tries to convince us that people are sad about Robert leaving. Or surprised. Or something. Dave and Van apparently expected Andy to go home instead, which is kind of odd, since Dave didn't even nominate him in the last episode. Remember? He just picked Van and Robert. Oh, and on the women's side, everyone hates Suzanne. Tennille shouts at us about how annoying she finds Suzanne.

The next morning, the final nine gather in the dining room. Is that really a thing? The "final nine"? Well, never mind, because it's time for the Taste Test. I enjoy how unrepentantly formulaic this show can be sometimes. Andy tells us that he's a supertaster, and that he can "taste things other people can't". Like colors and emotions? [They Might Be Giants explain it nicely in their song "John Lee: Supertaster." - Zach]

Tennille sits out the Taste Test so the teams can be even. First up, Ariel vs. Van! Van thinks the whipped cream cheese is yogurt, but Ariel identifies it correctly. The venison is missed by both, with Ariel guessing "roast beef" and Van saying "tuna". And he's a fish cook? Both of them think the pecans are walnuts, but they both identify leeks, so it's 2-1 women.

Next up, Dave vs. Suzanne. They both get turkey and fail on zucchini. Neither of them know the quince, which is apparently on the menu they've been working with at Hell's Kitchen. Dave thinks the egg yolk is squash, but Suzanne guesses it. It's now 4-2 for the red team.

Kevin is up against Sabrina. Neither of them home in on iceberg lettuce, but they know what grapefruit tastes like. Oregano is also missed, with Kevin saying sage and Sabrina saying basil. Now, come on. I'm no professional chef, but I know what spices taste like. Kevin thinks the clams taste like spinach, which is even worse than Sabrina's guess of ahi tuna. Women 5-3.

Amanda vs. Andy! Kevin feels that Andy had better not make a mistake, which is rich coming from a guy that can't tell clams from spinach. First up, lychee. Andy nails it! Amanda thinks it's pineapple. Tennille tells us that Andy is "one of the most epicurious mamma-jammas I ever met in my life!" Next, avocado. Andy guesses at boiled coconut, which Van correctly finds baffling. Boiled coconut? Amanda gets it, so the women are still up 6-4. Andy has to get both of the next two right while Amanda misses them both. Now it's ahi tuna. Andy thinks for an implausibly long time, followed by a commercial, followed by a replay of the thinking. Finally, Andy the Supertaster guesses salmon. Hey, it didn't come down to the final dish for once!

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Hell's Kitchen

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