Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
admin: D- | Grade It Now!
Day 10, Part I

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 0
Best Guest Judge Quote of the Night: "You told me if I didn't make a choice, you'd put a cleaver in my back." -- Robin Leach to Ramsay
Best Contestant Quote of the Night: "The whole thing is setting up so I lose to a fucking nanny." -- Rock

Awesome. You gotta love a finale episode where practically nothing happens. The first eight minutes are padded thicker than a Serta with what has already happened in the last nine episodes. If you've gotten this far without knowing and you want to catch up, read the Weecaps. I'm not re-weecapping eight minutes of this dog's dinner clipshow.

When the episode actually starts, Ramsay gives Bonnie and Rock the briefest of moments to hang with their families. Rock's two adorable kids are even trotted out for hugs and kisses before both families are shooed off with nary a conjugal moment for Rock. The next morning, Bonnie and Rock meet with an architect to discuss their visions for their individual restaurant. They have opposite tastes, but it doesn't really matter because, a) the place never really looks any different; and b) they always get thrown a contrived curve, like, "Your ceiling fell in," or "We couldn't get your wallpaper to stick"; and c) it's never part of the final judgment. So please, people, let's stop wasting precious time diddling over these unnecessary elements and devote it to watching Ramsay have the closest thing to a televised aneurysm outside of the surgery channel. There's a direct correlation between how little Ramsay swears and how much the episode ends up sucking. Furthermore, I don't watch FOX for decorating tips, I watch it to lower my IQ and to absorb highly useful insults.

After the architect, the two take fashion consults with Jean-Phillippe to determine the uniforms for their servers. Bonnie goes with classic all-over black, but Jean-Phillippe has to talk Rock out of putting his servers in jeans, which prompts Rock to comment that JP had a look on his face "like a French poodle." When Mary Anne and Scott are brought in to help Bonnie and Rock set their menu, Bonnie hurls herself screaming at a totally resistant Mary Anne before going over her menu. Bonnie appears to know exactly what she wants, including having mini grilled cheese sandwiches and tiny cups of tomato soup and a pasta with a sauce that apparently has come to be known as "Bonnie sauce." Yeah, so between Bourdain foaming and sneering about "Rocco's Frozen Love Juice" and now "Bonnie sauce," I may never want to eat pasta again. Thankfully, we don't get such intimate menu details from Rock, who appears to be floundering as he tries to think out his menu.

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Hell's Kitchen




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