Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: C- | Grade It Now!

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 1
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 6. Boring!
Contestant Quote of the Night: "The kings of chefs are the chefs of kings." If you say so, pal.

Last week: I went to Disneyland! You know, for the Happiest Place on Earth, there are an awful lot of really unhappy children, especially toward the end of the day. Also, they apparently air this show even when I'm not here. Who knew? Good thing Lady Lola was here! Anyway, according to the previouslies, the entire season happened. Remember that one time? Yeah, that was great. Unlike that other time, when that one guy I barely remember did something stupid. It takes awhile, and it all seems awfully familiar. Almost like I already recapped it once. Weird.

So we're down to Christina and Petrozza. We kick off with them hugging immediately after learning that they're the top two. Gordon shocks them by making giant banners fall from the ceiling. The banners have their faces with fire behind them, and it's kind of creepy-looking. Like, I didn't need to see what Petrozza's face would look like if it were in Triumph of the Will, you know?

Gordon explains that the restaurant will be split in two, and Petrozza interviews, practically in tears, that "This is a wonderful dream come true." Aww. I want to make fun of his sincerity, but it's like kicking a puppy. Go ahead, Petrozza. Go ahead with your sobbing self. Back in the dining room, Christina is excited about the prospect of meeting with designers and setting a menu. The contestants return to the dorms and both sit in the patio designing their menus. It's nice to see that they don't hate each other. The editing would have us believe that Christina is diligently working while Petrozza eats chips in a sloppy manner. The background music for Petrozza is something you'd hear in a Warner Bros. cartoon featuring a baby buzzard. He interviews that nerves and fatigue are getting in his way, and then wanders off to get some sleep. Christina works late into the night, which features, as usual, a full moon. If all the full moons on this show were legit, you'd have to assume that they tape one show every four weeks.

The next morning, Petrozza works on his menu, saying "hey" to a passing bird. When Christina joins him, he claims that his menu is coming along. She immediately tops him by saying that hers is locked. Then she lights a cigarette in triumph! Well, I don't know if it was all that triumphant, but it looked pretty good.

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Hell's Kitchen




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