Hell's Kitchen

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Monty Ashley: B+ | Grade It Now!
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One Contestant Goes Missing

Having dispensed with the frivolities, Gordon tells everyone to get into the kitchen and cook their signature dishes. And we have opening credits! Unlike last season, where everyone was projected onto kitchen implements, this time everyone is teeny and running around a kitchen. Petrozza is a little boxer. Shayna and Ben are holding up a check. Craig is standing next to a tomato. Rosann is throwing a tomato to Corey. Dominic cuts it with a chef's knife that must be twelve feet long (but not in that cool Final Fantasy style). Jen is turning on the stove, setting fire to Christina. Jason and Matt are in a pot of some kind, which I don't think can possibly by hygienic. Louross and Vanessa are in the refrigerator. Bobby looks really happy to be pushing a rolling pin. Sharon is in a ladle. And Gordon Ramsay is glaring at them.

Back in the kitchen (with no commercial), there is a frenzy of cooking. I saw some powdered potatoes, I think. And a torch.

Dish One is Craig's. He interviews that he wears this three-foot hat because he's only five-foot-five. Gordon speculates that it's to make up for the size of his penis. So that's why viewer discretion was advised. Craig has made jerk-seared Chilean sea bass over rum raisin risotto. I was going to make a joke about "jerk-seared" but it occurs to me that if this season features the same amount of risotto as last season did, Craig could be sitting pretty. Ramsay's response has a lot of bleeps in it, but it appears that he is not a [bleep] jerk and the food is also [bleep]. And take your hat off, dope.

Dish Two: Jen, 24, a Line Cook who finds her own horn-tooting amusing. She offers to carve Ramsay's face into a watermelon, but I think she meant that the other way around. Right? Although I guess if you started carving up his face, it would look sort of red, wet, and gloppy like a watermelon. She has made a Dungeness crab and corn risotto (risotto again!) with a lobster tail. Gordon says the rice is raw and tells her she can't cook. In an interview, Jen expostulates, "There's a difference between constructive criticism and someone just being a butthead. I think Chef Ramsay might need to read a couple of books. He has absolutely no idea what he's talking about and he has absolutely no idea who he's talking to." Well. That's obviously not going to end well. I think what Jen doesn't realize is that Gordon doesn't care who he's talking to at this stage. He might be laying on the criticism a little thick, but it's your choice to either get offended or buckle down and prove him wrong.

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Hell's Kitchen

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