Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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Just Like You Said It Would Be

Hey there, donkeys, donuts, and [bleep]-heads! It's time for another season of Hell's Kitchen the show that supplies 95% of the world's overcooked risotto! If you're new here, I'll sum up: sixteen delusional chefs, one guy who's a brilliant chef but a jerk, and a bunch of people whining about not getting their free gourmet food fast enough. And more bleeps than you can shake a [bleep] at.

Gordon Ramsay's Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 50
Contestants' Bleep-O-Fucking-Meter: 30
Contestants with Weird Hair: Four

We start with a lot of Coming This Season action. Apparently there will be shouting. And a giant fish. And hot tub shenanigans. And a blimp! The addition of airships means this is a steampunk show now, right?

Jason, 37, is a personal chef who says he's not nervous. Stacey, 38, is a private chef who says she's going to win. What's the difference between a private chef and a personal chef? While you ponder that, also ponder who the "representatives from the media" are that take the chefs' pictures as they walk into the dining room. I mean, I'm practically the only person still writing about this show, and they didn't invite me. I feel left out, is what I am saying. Oh! And here's Ed, 28, a high school cooking teacher, which means they've renamed Home Ec, I guess. Scott, 32, is an executive chef. Man, there's nothing like a well-cooked executive.

The fake paparazzi have been joined by fake fans so that the chefs get a lot of cheering as they enter. Nilka, 28, is a line cook and claims to have been dazzled by the experience. I'm kind of dazzled by her hair, which is kind of like a pompador. Anyway, since she's a line cook, I figure she'll be fine for the next ten or eleven episodes as we eliminate the people who can't work on a line. Then she'll get eliminated as Ramsay says nice things about how hard she works. She's only third in the Interesting Hair Stakes, though, as a guy from Maui has a big weird mohawk but only on the front of his head, and someone from Boston has blue hair. The fake media pretends to write down everyone's credentials.

It's time for the first Big Fake Dramatic Moment as Gordon officially guarantees that they'll finish their first dinner service. Jason (we've already had him!) seems skeptical. Autumn, 29, personal chef, is also not confident. Anyway, it's time for the Signature Dishes and also the credits. I'll run through them this one time so that I don't have to remember which contestants I've introduced already.

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Hell's Kitchen

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