Hell's Kitchen

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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Just Like You Said It Would Be

First up, Salvatore vs. Maria. Maria has a filet mignon, which Chef Ramsay praises as being cooked perfectly. Salvatore is from Italy, which means he gets reaaaaally generic music. He's got a thick accent because he believes that women like it. Gordon hates his undercooked pasta. Women lead, 1-0.

Second, Benjamin vs. Holli. Benjamin cooked lobster, and also made his own pasta (unlike Salvatore). Holli made halibut wrapped in a banana leaf, and doesn't do a great job of defending it before Gordon spits it out. Men 1 - Women 1.

Third! Scott vs. Jamie. Jamie made a creamed chicken Kiev and left a toothpick in the food, which Gordon immediately assumes could stick in someone's throat and kill them. Scott's duck breast is also bad. No points!

Fourth! Mikey vs. Siobhan! Gordon wants to talk about the mohawk, and the soundtrack guys put some electric guitar on because they think a mohawk means punk rock. Actually, Mikey's got a rockabilly thing going on. Gordon asks about all the tattoos he's got, and Mikey reveals ... (pause for commercials, which are announced by a shot of a cow being branded with the Hell's Kitchen logo) ... a tattoo of the Hell's Kitchen logo! Also, a big piece of tape that's doing double duty holding a microphone cord and also covering up some undoubtedly vulgar tattoos. Like, I'm pretty sure that one right there is a pair of testicles wearing a top hat.

Everyone reacts with shock and horror. Mikey eventually gets to present his brie stuffed with lobster, which is apparently good. Siobhan does have dreads, which also appall Gordon. She's got seared ahi tuna wrapped in mint leaves. It works, and they both win. Frankly, I think the head-to-head angle is a little spoiled by the way Gordon hands out points. Anyway, both teams have two points now.

Fifth! Stacey has overcooked fish to go against Jay's well-seasoned steaks. Sixth! Fran has an unnamed food and Jason has grits. Men 4 - Women 2. Ed loses a point to Autumn.

Nilka vs. Andrew. Gordon is promptly appalled by the idea of steak tartare, which Andrew made because he likes to eat his animals raw. Gordon's final objection is that it's bland. Nilka made spicy chicken wings, They're too spicy for Gordon, and no one gets a point this round. The men win!

Okay, let's move on. The winner will get to be the head chef at the Savoy in London. I mean, they obviously won't really be the head chef. But we like to pretend.

The chefs are led to the dorms, which are just hideous. I don't know if I could sleep with wallpaper that loud. They all get chef's jackets, menus to study, and knives. We break for a knife infomercial, then the women study their menus. People who care deeply about the pronunciation of "mascarpone" will not enjoy this section. The men seem more panicky. Then there's a fire alarm. I wonder if it's a real fire alarm or just another wacky gimmick the show is throwing at them.

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Hell's Kitchen

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