One Giant Leap

Episode Report Card
Erin: C+ | Grade It Now!
Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve...

Bonfire of the Vanities and Underage Drinking and/or Sex. Jackie the Snotty Cheertator is entertaining the drunken masses with her made-up tale of fire heroism. Claire stands a few feet away, watching the bear mascot go up in flames on the bonfire. The jockstrap quarterback joins her and they make mindless flirty chit-chat for a second or two. Jockstrap says he'd like the mascot better if it was filled with firecrackers, and Claire agrees. At one point, he pulls her back from the flames, saying that she'd better be careful or she'll wind up like the mascot. And when he does this, I have to tell you, I got an immediate vibe of "teen rapist" off of him. But that could just be because he's wearing a douche-o-riffic leather choke collar around his neck.

Jock the Rapist invites Claire over to the keg for a drink and she worries that the drinking thing may not be a good idea. He assures her that they're thirty miles from home and, apparently, none of their parents own cars nor do any of their teachers, so who's gonna know? Jock the Rapist mentions that Jackie the Snotty Cheertator told him Claire wants to meet her real parents. Claire's like, what is this, ADVERTISED SOMEWHERE? He asks if the adoption thing, just finding out like that, is what's bumming her out. Claire says her parents told her when she was young, so it's not that. And why would he think she's bummed? He says she hasn't seemed like herself lately and he thought something might be wrong. "You don't know me well enough to know when I'm not being myself," she says, but her face is shyly glowing as she says it. Jock the Rapist then runs down a litany of things that he's observed about her that any girl with a modicum of sense would immediately flag as stalker-tastic. She never drinks plain milk, only chocolate; she draws mermaids in the margins of her notebooks; she puts crackers in her sandwiches and so on. This is a guy who, if he weren't going to be attempting to rape her here in a minute, would totally wind up dripping wet in her college dorm room with a goat's heart in a box and a picture of HER wrapped around it. I am so not kidding here.

Jock the Rapist says that Claire's usually the first person to laugh at a joke, but he hasn't heard her laugh in awhile. "Lately, you seem sort of sad," he says. She's not sad, dillweed, she's INDESTRUCTIBLE. That look on her face is a look of anti-destructiveness, not melancholy! Claire asks, rightfully so, if he's been spying on her, and instead of saying, "HELL YES I HAVE," Jock the Rapist just says his goal tonight is to hear her laugh. Just then, the mascot's head explodes in a shower of small firecrackers, and Claire does indeed laugh. She giggles and asks Jock the Rapist if he put firecrackers in the head just for her, and he answers her with a kiss. He takes her hand and they walk off as Jackie the Snotty Cheertator looks after them with an expression of, "Why oh why can't I be the one he attacks on the bleachers?!" Don't worry, Jackie. You'll get your chance. You're not even out of high school yet; you have your entire college career to fend off drunken eejits.

We then see a woman lounging on a bed, staring into a laptop computer. Matt enters and comments that the woman waited up for him, so I guess this is his wife. The wife he was supposed to attend counseling with earlier, before he got arrested for sticking household implements into innocent people and removing their brains. Mrs. Parkman is immediately cheesed off at her husband, and he immediately starts apologizing for missing the session. He meant to call her, but he forgot because he had the most amazing, incredible, insane day today and he doesn't even know how to begin to describe it. Save your breath, Matt; Mrs. Parkman stopped listening right about the minute you opened the front door. In fact, she just tells him not to bother telling her about it. "That's it?" he says, incredulous. "That's it? You waited up all this time so you could tell me you don't want to talk to me?" Pretty much, Matt.

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