At the hotel, Paula freaks because she only has two hours to "wash [her] face and change clothes." I submit to you that these activities do not require in excess of two hours to accomplish. The wonder of Paula Time!

There's a whole thing about how the first time she did QVC, there was a huge publicity push and all this promotion surrounding it. Which is true, but also false, because QVC is a strange little world that is sufficient unto itself and I have never understood it. It's something that generates revenue if you have somebody famous there, and I don't understand that part, but also she's doing this whole show at 1 AM, so who are these people that love Paula Abdul so much that they'll stay up until 1 AM to watch her on QVC, and yet simultaneously despise her so very much that they'll stay up until 1 AM to watch her on QVC. It's an economics I cannot fathom. Secondly, the way she's talking about this, it's like, if you take away the publicity then what you have is Paula Abdul selling jewelry on QVC qua Paula Abdul selling jewelry on QVC, which makes it just sad.

Paula chats with the security guard about Simon Cowell, and he has no idea who that is, but she thinks she's charming the shit out of him. Then the QVC people show up to meet with her, and everybody hugs everybody else, for a million years, and this priceless moment is preserved forever in the form of a short-lived and entirely-unwatched show called Hey Paula!

Paula sees the "jewelry" she "designed" for the first time, and does not like it. I couldn't tell you why. I know why I don't like it, and the reason is that it looks like fake scary bling like you see at the gas station next to the herbal sex pills and the cigarette lighters with boobs that light up. But it's Paula, and you can't assume that's why: she takes issue with specific design elements of the trashy-looking crap. And you're thinking, "That could be absurd and fun to watch, no?" No. I want to be absolutely clear about that.