Hey Paula
(It's Just) The Way That You Bore Me

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D- | Grade It Now!
(It's Just) The Way That You Bore Me

Paula chats with the security guard about Simon Cowell, and he has no idea who that is, but she thinks she's charming the shit out of him. Then the QVC people show up to meet with her, and everybody hugs everybody else, for a million years, and this priceless moment is preserved forever in the form of a short-lived and entirely-unwatched show called Hey Paula!

Paula sees the "jewelry" she "designed" for the first time, and does not like it. I couldn't tell you why. I know why I don't like it, and the reason is that it looks like fake scary bling like you see at the gas station next to the herbal sex pills and the cigarette lighters with boobs that light up. But it's Paula, and you can't assume that's why: she takes issue with specific design elements of the trashy-looking crap. And you're thinking, "That could be absurd and fun to watch, no?" No. I want to be absolutely clear about that.

Paula throws another low-key hissy that is totally boring and unthreatening. Even the people who work for their living at QVC Philadelphia are like, "I didn't know I could hate my life more." Paula mugs for the camera about how hard her life is that she has to make a 9 AM appointment to hock jewelry that is both ugly and pointless. It's QVC, Paula. You already done fucked up at that point. I miss that band that dog. "I want to see Cher / Doing her hair / On the air / And I want to see Richard Simmons / Dealing A Meal / And helping to heal..."

Paula explains how there's no publicity for this round of jewelry, so QVC should not be disappointed. She very nearly explains that this is because she's not actually famous. If only there were a professional person in her entourage that were in charge of that: promotions, publicity and the like. On an unrelated note, Paula's PUBLICIST is like, "This is all very unfortunate."

On the QVC show itself, Paula talks on the phone to some lady whose entire family died last week, but for whom Paula has provided some kind of respite or comfort or schadenfreude. Paula's like, "That really inspires me to keep doing the same shit I've been doing, as though you don't matter. Thank you so much." Publicist guy goes, "I haven't worked half as hard as she has, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I don't know how she does it." Firstly, that's Paula Time happening right before your eyes, folks. Secondly, she does it so you don't have to.

They sell some ugly jewelry and hug each other some more. Then there's another red-eye back to L.A. It's so boring I think maybe we missed a part or fell asleep or something because there's no way this could make it on the air like this, so clearly we've misplaced the part where actual shit actually happens. Paula praises her publicist for standing around doing nothing while her career takes a slow dive, and the assistants bitch and moan about something or another and fail to do anything to assist her in any aspect of her life, and they all drive back to the Philadelphia airport. Fascinating, no?

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Hey Paula




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