Next, Johnny spots a girl in a white nightie running off towards the golf course. Late at night. She continues to run up and down the fairways, laughing and twirling, as free spirits often do. On TV shows. That are kind of stupid. Johnny can't resist this brazen display of mental illness, so he none-too-sneakily follows her. She eventually tackles him and demands to know who he is. And, here's the thing: this isn't a good show, but it's a watchable show, except for any and all scenes between this girl -- Greta -- and Johnny. She's seriously the most ridiculous character I've come across all season. So we'll keep this brief, as they meet cute and run through the sprinklers and dance like idiots, and predictably inane Kevin Williamson dialogue follows, and I end up focusing a lot on Johnny's wildly attractive mouth for most of it. She's a free spirit! He'd very much like to have sex with her! She runs away without telling him who she is!
Then the I Know Who Killed Me trailer, which manages to both give the entire movie away and still make no sense.
Meanwhile, back at the Wiatt Ranch, Cliff helps his mom prepare to show off her newly rhinoplastied face while Sharon Lawrence decides whether or not her character is actually from the South or not. Elsewhere, at the country club, the neighbors gossip about all and sundry, while Johnny obnoxiously takes photos around the pool, particularly of Greta sunning herself on a raft. He also meets Liza for real, via a most hackneyed "bump into, drop something, knock heads together as you both stoop to pick it up" sequence. Liza works at the country club, as does Michelle, who is the mayor's daughter, although not much hay gets made of that. Cliff shows up and "flirts" with her for a bit, before getting down to flirting properly with Johnny, in the guise of giving him the 411 on Greta. The gist is: chick's weird, dude, keep away. As if proving his point, Greta just shows up, bitchily deletes some photos of her off of Johnny's Soulful Camera and generally acts like she didn't perform the Dance of the Sprinkler Nymph in front of him last night. Johnny, of course, is beguiled. Ugh. Cliff, kind of pissed that his new boy toy is making eyes at Crazy over there, sourly notes that Johnny and Greta have met.
Since Greta would drive anyone to drink, Johnny decides to hit up an AA meeting in town. There he meets a drag queen, played by Beverly Leslie from Will & Grace, who is dressed in a sensible cream-colored pantsuit that he no doubt uses for his "Barbra: The Brolin Years" cabaret. Beverly Leslie is full of plain-spoken Southern wisdom, and he tells Johnny, essentially, to hang in there. On his way home, Johnny spots Greta on the patio of a café, and they embark upon a scene that rivals any Dawson/Joey debate on soul mates for sheer irritation. She says she only works in "moments" (she's elusive! And not looking for a commitment!), so Johnny's better off leaving her alone. She then embarks upon a little verbal questionnaire, involving evolution (she's smart! Or at least smart enough to know how to pronounce "evolution"!), Titanic (she name-drops "Leo and Kate"! So we...don't get confused!), and virginity (Johnny is one!). But, oh! Johnny turns the tables, saying Greta's questions for him said even more about her. So blah, blah, blah, he totally has her number now that he knows she's got a weird hangup about Titanic. It's the worst kind of Williamson tripe and it depresses me that he still needs his teens to be overly analytical monsters of smug who display no actual human emotion or desire beyond self-satisfaction. On a completely related note, nobody has sex in this entire episode. I was promised a sexy summer soap!