The opening credits roll. Already I know I'm going to have trouble keeping all these nicknames straight.
JS: Okay, we've got Popular Girl! Nerd! Pipsqueak! Shy Girl!
Wendola: Gossip! Bully! Dopey! Ringo! Spanky! Sporty! Tito!
LT: The Cop! The Indian! The Construction Worker!
JS: I'm tired already.
"Hi, I'm Mike Richards," says Mike Richards, with the no-nonsense, let's-just- make-it-known-right-now-that-I'm-a-complete-tool intonation favored by many reality show hosts. He's standing at the front entrance of some kind of institutional building that, um, I don't recognize. "For most people, high school's a turning point in their lives " he says. He gestures stiffly toward the building.
LT: Wait. That's not our high school, is it? That's not Oak Park!
Wendola: Maybe it's Mike Richards's high school?
JS: Is that why he's so emotional?
Mike Richards goes inside the building and walks down a hallway lined with lockers. "Going to your high school reunion," he says, "can be like going back to high school all over again."
JS: Or like going to a completely different high school. The hell?
LT: Is that supposed to be our high school?
Wendola: He just said, "Oak Park-River Forest High School in Chicago."
JS: Dude, that's NOT Oak Park.
Wendola: I know!
LT: I think I just saw a palm tree. THAT'S NOT OAK PARK!
Mike Richards continues to stroll around the "OPRF campus" and tells us that a group of "classmates" from "the class of '92" will show up for "a class reunion" on the Hawaiian island of Maui. Supposedly none of these folks know what to expect or who else will be showing up.
Time to introduce the classmates. They show this cheesy mock-up of a yearbook cover with the Huskie Dog mascot and "1992" printed on it. That is so not the OPRF yearbook. I don't think that's even a huskie on the cover. It's like a Pomeranian or something.
First up: Jeff Kowalczyk, the Class Clown. Jeff says, "I wanted to have sex with every girl in high school. I would have sex with anyone who would have sex with me. Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of sex for me." Old photos of Jeff show him wearing a number of outfits that help explain why. Aww. He admits that he really wants to hook up. He's the first one at the "reunion," which takes place on the lawn of the Maui estate where they'll be staying.