The day I graduated from Oak Park-River Forest High School in 1989, I felt empty inside somehow. Standing out on the football field in my white graduation dress, holding my dozen roses, I felt nothing but regret. I shook my fist at the school. "Damn you, Class of '92." I said. "I'll talk shit about you guys someday. Maybe I'll even be paid to do it." So when the TWoP folks approached me about recapping this show, it just felt...like, it just felt right, you know? Because you almost never...oh, God, sorry, I'm crying a little. Sorry. Oh, God. Okay. But like, you almost never get a second chance. There, I said it.
Disclaimer: Many of the opinions expressed in the following recap are not necessarily those of the recapper but of her friends from high school: Jessie Spano, Class of '89; Lisa Turtle, Class of '90; and two very helpful acquaintances, Kelly Kapowski and Tori Scott, both from the Class of '92. These are their real names, by the way. You can look them up on Google and everything. Anyway, to set the scene, Jessie and Lisa and I are watching this together, and then later Kelly and Tori join us. We begin drinking. The show starts. "And now," says that WB announcer, "The High School Reunion begins."
JS: Oh my God.
LT: I'm peeing myself already.
First there's a ton of teaser footage mixed in with old snapshots and yearbook photos. Holy crap, there's that Tim kid. There's that Natasha girl; I knew her sister. There's...other people…who look...familiar...sort of. There's someone's butt. This is weird.
More teasers: apparently, at some point Ben will eat strawberries with Natasha. Nicole will hate Summer's voice. Jeff will hurt. Dan will be puffy. Sarah will scream, "Asshole!" and get bleeped out. There will be splashes. There will be sorrows. There will be Speedos.
"What would you do," says a voice-over, "if you could go back in time, and relive high school all over again?"
Wendola: I'd kill myself.
LT: I'd have one of those big greasy cookies from the North Caf.
JS: I'd show that Dan B. dude how he looks now and freak his shit out.
I guess for the purposes of the show, the options here appear to be: 1) pursuing your old crush and giving him or her a sleazy, oily massage; 2) challenging the bully who tormented you to a cathartic, homoerotic boxing match; 3) asking your high school sweetheart to marry you, presumably after sufficient body oiling and/or punching; or 4) showing your naked ass one way or another. So far, it seems like everyone will at least manage to show ass. The OPRF school motto is "Those Things That Are Best," and I guess that includes ass.
The opening credits roll. Already I know I'm going to have trouble keeping all these nicknames straight.