High School Reunion
Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Wendola: B- | Grade It Now!
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The Ass Pass

Once again, the show starts with Mike Richards banging that goddamn gong. Kong! Kong! Summon the Polynesian god of stupid premises! What is the will of Plot 'a Lame-ah? The classmates gather in the yard to hear the decree. "You guys have been having a lot of fun on the Hall Passes, right?" says Mike Richards. "Some of you been having more fun than others?" he chuckles. Really, he chuckles. The classmates chuckle back: "What, just because some people have gotten multiple opportunities to leave the house while the rest of us have had to spend the past eleven days confined to a house with no music or television, under constant camera surveillance, in a relentless drunken haze? Ha, ha!" Mike Richards winks at everyone and tells them that now he has SUPER-SPECIAL Hall Passes for them -- twenty-four-hour overnight ones to "exotic locations." At this point, the West Maui Kwik Mart #7 is considered an exotic location by some of the people who have been stuck in the house this whole time. When you look at Tim's eyes, you can tell he's thinking of beef jerky. "I could buy one of those little pocket packs of Kleenex…" Amy thinks. "Or maybe they'll have one of those five-cent copy machines…and I could copy, uh, my hand…or something." Just imagine. The classmates have to sign up for the Hall Passes as couples and put their names in the Secret Message box.

It's gotten so we're starting to all the fancy little production details, like the weird rocket sound-effect that goes with all the scene dissolves. Ssshhheeeeeeeewwwwww! It's like we're being teleported. Except we're always just winding up at the house. Oh, well. Everyone's all abuzz over the Twenty-Four-Hour Hall Passes. Twenty-four-hours! Will Kiefer be there? It's all very exciting. Maurice says it's "a fantasy date." JockDan says "it sounds really cool." Who will ask who? They've saved up all the clips of the classmates giving each other shoulder or back rubs, just to make the possibilities seem endless. Dan Barbato is massaging Sarah! Jeff casually caresses Patricia! Barbato rubs Natasha's shoulders! Why, it's a veritable grope fest, this house. Really, though, I bet everyone's just stiff from those sucky twin beds. In an interview, Chris says they've all officially dubbed the Twenty-Four-Hour Hall Pass "the Sex Pass." Chris is shown standing in the kitchen declaring, "I will put out at any time. I'm extremely easy!" Doesn't anyone want a piece of Chris ass? It's served with crackers, you know.

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High School Reunion

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