High School Reunion
Episode 5

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The Ass Pass

Dan Barbato. Natasha. Whatever. Dan Barbato and Natasha. Whatever whatever. Natasha asked Dan Barbato on the Ass Pass, whatever, and Barbato had no doubt in his mind about going and whatever, and Natasha predicts, "We'll have a lot of fun!" like, whatever, and whatever whatever Barbato says whatever and he thinks there's a chance of a long-term relationship with Natasha and what? And he says in an interview, "I hope she realizes how serious I am about this relationship," and WHAT? Like, what the fuck?!

The issue with Maya and Ben is settled: they're going. Elsewhere, Patricia remembers that she actually can't stand Jason. In an interview, she confesses that when she agreed to go with Jason, she "didn't think it out entirely." Well, I'm sure she thought at least a little farther than "damn, okay, get out of my face." Probably she thought as far as "oh wait, give me that rose, okay, now get out of my face." She says she was "mortified" when she heard that Jason had tried to kiss other girls in the house. She goes and tells him that the Twenty-Four-Hour Hall Pass is stressing her out, and she doesn't have the sort of feelings for him that he has for her, and she doesn't want to lead him on. Jason tries to call her on that shit and points out that he'd asked her if she was feeling the same way he did, though he should kind of know by now that it's pointless to ask Patricia what she's feeling. "You said you were feeling exactly the same way," he says. "So…that's why I went ahead…and continued…my pursuit," he says. He is but a simple human, and her cyborg ways confound him.

Day Twelve. 7:08 AM. Mike Richards bangs the gong. By God, he'll break their spirits yet. Everyone shuffles out to the patio. Mike Richards announces that the reunion is almost over. Apparently he must explain this because time has lost all meaning for the classmates. "If you've got any more issues that you want to resolve, now's the time to start resolving them," he says, like they're all in rehab at Promises. But, Mike Richards adds, "tomorrow night is Prom Night." Natasha way over-acts her reaction. Everyone else applauds. Summer, bless her heart, rolls her eyes. Mike Richards says that since there are nine guys and eight women, somebody will be going stag. "Aw, crap," says Jeff, predictably. Mike Richards offers to be his date. Like Mike Richards knows gay from straight, or waking from sleeping, or sentient existence from the wooden crate where they store him every night. Anyway. It's time to distribute the Ass Passes. Barbato and Natasha get one, Ben and Maya get one, and so do and Dave and Holly. Everyone else claps and smiles and nods and says, "Oh, well then -- it's okay that we spent all day yesterday desperately trolling around and awkwardly propositioning each other and basically whoring ourselves out, all because we were under the impression that we'd actually have a chance to get the fuck out of the house for once! Ha! Ha! Why, we're fine with that!"

Maya and Ben iron their clothes and pack to leave on their Hall Pass. In an interview, Chris says that they are "a couple shrouded in mystery." Well, those didn't look like mysterious shrouds they were ironing, but whatever. Natasha and Barbato pack. Nicole would like us all to know that "Natasha's definitely cheating on her boyfriend," and "Natasha will probably have sex with Dan," and "Natasha went through a phase a few years back where she cut her hair short and dated women." Okay, Nicole didn't say that, but we did hear that, so I had to fit it in there somewhere. Jeff comments that "Sex is definitely in the air." As Dan packs, Dave asks him if he has protection. Snicker, snicker.

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High School Reunion

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