Claire's back, and she doesn't have any memory of anything since the plane crash. Oh, great, amnesia, there's a plot device that never gets tired. Fortunately for new viewers, we get a whole lot of recapping of some of the salient plot points. Ethan attacks Jin and orders Charlie to bring Claire back to him, or he's going to pick off Craphole Islandians one by one. So the campers set up guards and sentries, which you think they might have done ages ago anyway, what with the polar bears and the boars and the Iron Giant and ETHAN ATTACKING ONCE ALREADY, but I guess they couldn't have done that and play golf, but anyway.
We get more of Charlie's backstory -- copping drugs and ripping off unsuspecting women (trying to, anyway) and giving the worst copier sales presentation ever -- as well as, of all things, a shout-out to The Office, which kind of ruled, actually. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity But Not Guard Duty, gets caught in a castaway trap, which provides much amusement, until Steve/Scott dies due to having every bone in his body broken. Jack busts out the nine-double-ems to even up the score against Ethan, because, despite outnumbering him 46 (er, 45) to 1, Ethan supposedly has the advantage. And Charlie goes Charles Bronson on Ethan's ass. It would have been nice for the islanders to get some answers out of Ethan, but Charlie's...well, he's kind of a tit, no? And can someone explain to me how legendary Driveshaft could have been when the only song we ever hear from them is "You All Everybody"? It's like if an Australian show about a plane crash starred the bass player from legendary American band The New Radicals.
Previously on Lost: Ethan kidnapped Claire. That's bad. Ethan beat up Jack. That's good! Eth-- wait, that's it? Thirty-six seconds of previouslys? That shit ain't fair. You watch 24, you get like two whole minutes of previouslys. That might not sound like a lot, but for a recapper, that's friggin' ages. Two minutes of previouslys, then a car chase, and you're into commercial, and five minutes at your desk and you're a quarter of the way done. Odds aren't too likely that I'm getting a car chase on Lost any time soon. Maybe in a flashback? These are the things I wish for.
We open with Locke carrying Claire through the cave camp, yelling for Jack. Everyone else is kind of yelling and getting in the way, which I'm sure Claire appreciates. Does Walt really need to be there? Is he going to help? Will attracting polar bears to the camp help somehow? Locke hands Claire off to Jack, who lays her down on his operating slab or whatever, and for those of you who were wondering, or those of you thoroughly convinced there was no longer a bun in the oven, Claire is still very much pregnant. (Or she's really really retaining water and I'm quite the insensitive clod.) People are still crowding and yelling things like "Is she all right?" like BACK OFF ALREADY, which Jack finally makes them do and Locke tells him that Claire collapsed in his arms.
Let's just figure that Charlie understood that Jack's order for everyone to back off applied to everyone but him, because he's right up there staring at Claire. Jack tries to bring Claire around by applying a cold cloth to her face and gently talking to her. Eventually, she does come around, sees Jack -- and starts to scream. Man, I've been there, pal. Claire freaks out, despite Charlie trying to soothe her by telling her she's safe. She stares at him, frightened. "Who are you?" she says. Charlie's stunned. So am I. When the hell was the last time amnesia worked as a plot device? I can't remember. Ha! She looks around at the group. "Who are you? Who are you people?" she screeches. Commercials.
The women in the Victoria's Secret commercials seem rather surprised by their own breasts. What, these old things? Shucks. Where's Bob Dylan?
Perhaps I shouldn't have complained so much about not getting a lot of previouslys, because I get a bunch now, in the form of everybody bringing the amnesia victim up to speed, and I get the irritating sense that Claire's amnesia is a plot device to answer questions for new viewers. She remembers being on a plane from Sydney to L.A. So her memory cuts out right before the season premiere, then. She remembers nothing, and doesn't know any Ethan, apparently.
Jack explains that they've been stranded for almost a month, and Claire starts freaking out about the baby, who Jack assures her is kicking and normal and everything's fine (although I seem to remember Jack saying, just before she was abducted, that Claire was ready to pop, so you'd think there might be a little more concern on his part). Claire wants to know why no one has rescued them yet, and no one has the answer for that. See? Claire is a befuddled new viewer, and Locke and Jack and Charlie here are Lost's writing staff, with no answers.