Lauder: "...And while I'm drunkenly putting everybody on shout, you clearly still want to fuck Jessica! And I think you have a shot!"
Mike: "What are you talking about, you drunk hot mess?"
Lauder: "Everybody is a terrorist! I am drunkenly going to take Nick Brody down! This passing out on his kitchen table is merely the first phase!"
Dana: "How you gonna own slaves and also write All men are created equal?"
Finn: "We don't ask questions like that anymore."
Dana: "Have you ever been to Monticello?"
Walden, appearing: "Boo! I am just here to act shitty to my kid."
Dana: "Uh, we have a history test tomorrow, so..."
Walden: "Who was Jefferson's Vice President?"
Walden: "Awww. Nobody cares about the Veep. Aaron Burr?"
Finn: "Right, the duel guy."
Walden: "Haha, you're so fucking stupid. Enjoy us buying your way into Yale. Don't you know better than to study with a stupid loser like my son? Gentleman's C's, all the way down the line. He's like a Bush baby."
Dana: "Yeah, well. He got an A on our quiz yesterday. Maybe Gentleman's C's don't get you there anymore. Not like in your day."
Walden: "Kitty's got claws! Walden out."
He leaves, telling secret soldiers to murder her over his wrist communicator, which is really just his wrist.
Dana: "So the VPOTUS is kind of a cunt, huh?"
Finn: "Do you want to go somewhere right now?"
Dana: "Like Monticello?"
Finn: "Uh, what is your deal? No, not Monticello. If you want to watch somebody churn butter in homespun cloth, we can just visit the peasants we keep right here on the property. No, I'm talking about something much cooler. And more tumescent."
Virgil: "Today Brody talked to four people on Capitol Hill, twelve at the Virginia Businessmen's Reception, and a guy at a newsstand on K Street..."
Carrie: "That's cool how you're doing your job, but can we gossip for a minute about Peter Quinn?"
Virgil: "He's great! You don't know anything about him because you're bad at office politics and also because you spent the last six years either in the Middle East or digging in a vegetable garden with the zaps."
Carrie: "Can you spy on him for me?"
Virgil: "Yo dawg, I heard you like working so much I put a job in your job so you can work while you work."