Samantha: "Fucking finally! Get in here and throw me one, fucker!"
Brian: "Samantha, lovely as always. I brought champagne."
Samantha: "Gives me the farts! Bring it on!"
Brian: "Love what you've done with the place..."
Samantha: "Wasn't gross enough. I told the decorator, Make it look like a Dust Bowl fuckhouse, you know, like the bordello from East Of Eden, only damper."
Brian: "Well, I... can I throw up real quick?"
Samantha: "Sure! I was just watching TV about the Prez and eating spray cheese directly out of the can."
Samantha: "So your text messages were pretty effusive, when you finally wrote me back. Thought you'd gone a little gay, frankly."
Brian: "That's odd because I don't recall..."
Samantha: "Are you really in love with me?"
Brian: "Will it get me out of here faster?"
Samantha: "That and some breath play and you've got yourself a deal."
Samantha: "Listen, sorry about the million psycho text messages. It was because I'm a fucking psycho. Why didn't you call me?"
Brian: "I have a family and a home life and sometimes things don't go as scheduled."
Samantha, verbatim: "It's not easy for me either, dating a married man..."
Brian: "Give me a fucking break. Anyway, I gotta go."
Samantha: "Can't you just tell your wife you don't love her anymore?"
Brian: "Lady, we've been boning in secret for all of two months. The hell makes you think I don't love my wife anymore?"
KRAMER & JAKE
Kramer: "I am the beard one. Do you want some chips? They're healthy. I am healthy and not doing drugs. As yet."
Jake: "Go fuck yourself and your weird chips."
Kevin or whatever that kid's name was texts Jake/them both about how he is going to get the $1200 they owe Nico by getting an advance on his dad's credit card.
Kramer: "I know you're just a little kid so you should listen when I tell you that is a really bad idea. Both fiscally and because it is going to piss off his dad."
Jake: "I don't see any other options, Kramer. We need twelve hundred bucks to pay back a drug dealer, Kramer. So unless you're gonna search the house for the money my dad confiscated..."
Kramer: "That sounds easy enough... wait, I mean NO. I am a MEAN MAN."