Archer finds he has some jealousy over the -- admittedly mind-bending -- relationship between Satchmo and Beardy that has blossomed in the wake of their shared murder/crime spree (and more recent shoot-'em-up with Pickup Truck, which left her naked and bruised just like every other episode). Archer sublimates by bitching at them about having killed a limo driver by accident, conveniently forgetting his fucking bonehead murder of Nurse Angela that is responsible for at least as many of the weekly complications on this show as the blood thinner itself.
The team is kind of falling apart, which is gratifying in one way but also super annoying, because all of their problems are dumb and if they don't have each other, all they will have is dumb problems.
Hoffman's pointlessly thorough investigation of the blood thinner debacle has somehow brought him to some kind of intuitive epiphany where he has realized that Ellen is being blackmailed by Quentin Creasy to murder the President. I guess I should have started with that: Hoffman works for the Secret Service because, as it turns out, he is a fucking magical wizard who can figure out crappy TV shows just by being on them, no matter how little sense they make.
This leads to a very complex plot by Duncan Carlisle to stage an incredibly elaborate murder of Hoffman which conceals an even more intricate plan to let Hoffman go, involving most of Team Duncan and a variety of vehicles, telephones and racist caricatures. It's boring and stupid and leads directly to the worst thing that has ever happened on this awful show, which is Duncan pretending to be a Ross Gellar-style goober with the G-Man -- which is revolting -- and then the second G-Man turns away, smugly grinning into the camera. Much worse.
If you've ever thought to yourself "Dylan McDermott looks like a gerbil but at least he's keepin' it tight and seems like a nice guy," revise your opinion because he is not a nice guy. No nice guy would make those faces on TV where somebody might see them.
Plus it's only in there to be mean, because what happens next is that Quentin, sick of Blair's bullshit and tired of being the only person who is ever on the hook for this Conspiracy, calls up Hoffman and offers a deal: For $5M and immunity, he'll tell the whole story, which sounds great because that's the end of the show and Ellen can take Morgan for her abortion and divorce her shitbag husband and that's a happy ending for everybody, even Samantha.
And two things do immediately happen, but unfortunately neither of them are this stupid show being over: The first one is, Vanessa acts wicked spooky at a reception while she poisons Quentin with heart attack potion, and then second one is, G-Man shoots Hoffman about a thousand times in the head. Which presumably puts Duncan Carlisle in line to be the head of the Secret Service, even though he does not work there, because everything's coming up Carlisle, all the time.
So Team TMI is also falling apart, but in a different way because we don't know who the fuck any of these people are so why should we care. Also, Quentin Creasy's pervert way of looking and acting was off the chain in this episode.
Ellen meanwhile decides to steal some of the President's blood for some reason and then takes it to this sassy lab tech that is my new favorite character and then she randomly remembers minutia from Nina Carlisle's chart that she read for hours last week, and realizes from this mind-numbing montage of Ellen staring into space making all of her greatest faces: Nina is the President's daughter, but if he finds out she is alive, he will kill her, but if they can steal his bones they can turn her back alive. So that's another/the main reason Duncan needs to kill the President: To get magic beans out of him.
Next Week: Quentin's (and/or Hoffman's) death gives Ellen an idea, which is that instead of killing the President, they should simply not kill the President. She even comes up with another candidate of people that might have magic beans for bones like the President, and goes looking for any relatives of Duncan's that she has not yet harassed. But whoever is still alive over at the White House might have other ideas, for example, one plan might be still kill the President, since they don't care about the bean content of his bones and just want to protect Operation TMI because they love stealing your information so much because you're so interesting.
Hoffman brought in Tate for another "Are you okay?" panic room conversation, because he has magic powers and has figured out the entire Conspiracy somehow. We learned that the First Lady's sister, Vanessa, is at the top of the Conspiracy with Colonel Blair of the NSA, and that their stake involves Operation Total Information, a PRISM situation the POTUS inherited and now wants to personally Snowden as a PR move. And to figure out the leverage the Conspiracy's got over Duncan -- in partial hope, I think, of saving him as well as her family -- Ellen went after his wife Nina. Things escalated after that point.
Ellen: "Sorry about this but I have to murder your wife with morphine!"
Duncan: "That is really rude!"
Ellen: "Taking other people's spouses hostage is really rude and I'm glad you realize that!"
Duncan: "I see what you are saying but it doesn't change things! She is nice!"
Ellen: "You know who was nice was my best friend Nurse Angela!"
Duncan: "Sorry about that also! You know who is not nice though is the President!"
Ellen: "You can't just decide people are too naughty to live! Only Santa Claus has that power! It is in the Constitution!"
Nina's actual doctor comes in and yells at them for dicking with her morphine, and they play nice. Even though Ellen is super famous and also a doctor, for some reason he doesn't find this situation notable. Just irritating. Another interesting thing that goes by the wayside is that Nina has magical nano-machine blood that cures cancer. Ironic at the very least.
Ellen: "Fine, sorry I was so grouchy. But since you mentioned it, why is the President evil exactly?"
Duncan: "It is a long boring story. Right now you should go home, where we have just murdered your daughter's gross boyfriend."
Ellen: "It's gonna be rough pretending that's sad."
Tate: "Why would you think my family is Hostages on CBS Mondays at 10/9c?"
Hoffman: "I just kind of figured it out based on the thinness of the President's blood."
Tate: "Well, that is a ridiculous idea. If you tried to make a TV show of it they would laugh at you."
Hoffman: "My bad. You can go. But I still think you are hostages."
Tate: "Think what you like. I have to go get shot or beaten up or something probably."