Off the Record

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 35 USERS: C
The 5 Stages of Ho

She does. It takes about a million gag-inducing years ("All these symbols and markings, it's like hieroglyphics!") but eventually Duncan talks her through it. God, she needs Duncan 24/7 in her ear, steering her body around like a car. A car that makes horrible, awful faces all the time.

Wait, that's exactly what brainwashing is! She thought having kids and a marriage and a career would be fulfilling, but she was straight foolin' herself. What you need is Duncan Carlisle, calling you stupid. Duncan Carlisle, "emanating" out of a phone at you, helping you read documents.

Duncan, verbatim: "Okay Ellen, I gotta go. We don't have much time."

Like he's apologizing. She's all, "Okay, I'll go home to watch the news for your imminent death and then I promise not to get my family murdered. Just yours."


Is about a million tall. I don't know what their official deal is, but since Vanessa has slept with everybody so far I bet she slept with him. No hate, though: He's a broad-shouldered, tall drink o' water, and Vanessa's a beautiful woman who can keep a cool head, and who knows what she wants. To kill.

VP: "You were so good at being on my staff in some vague way, before I became the VP and unceremoniously fired you."
Vanessa: "I thought you should be President. I mean, who wants to be Vice President?"
VP: "Nobody does, Vanessa. But once your brother flew his plane into that mountain, I knew which way the wind was blowing. Toward that mountain."
Vanessa: "And I wanted you to be VP, so you did. And now I want you to be just P."
VP: "If I admit that I want that, then I have to admit I don't love my life. The VP Trap."
Vanessa: "I know but just what if."
VP: "[Names several running mates; is shot down again and again.]"
Vanessa: "You need a fresh face. Not an elected official. Someone with instant name recognition, media appeal and non-partisan credentials. International experience to bolster the ticket and, since you're from Texas, you'll need somebody who can deliver the coasts."
VP: "I know exactly who you're describing."
Vanessa: "I'm not describing anybody in particular..."
VP: "Leonardo DiCaprio*."
Vanessa: "Okay, guess I am. Colonel Blair, of the SS TMI."

* (Joke provided by M.K. and A.G., the parents of my goddaughter, who almost made it through this episode of Hostages even after a very long Thanksgiving weekend.)

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