Off the Record

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 35 USERS: C
The 5 Stages of Ho
Ellen: "Bitch I am not your friend."
Swampy: "I just wanted to say how cute it is, standing by him and saving his life."
Ellen: "Do what?"
Swampy: "I mean, the only reason I got involved with him is because he was always talking about what a fucking loser you are, and how you are always Leaning In, and that your marriage is like a total lie, and you're a frigid monster, and... you know. Girl talk."
Ellen: "I have several people to murder in the near future but rest assured, I'll make time."
Swampy: "No, I just mean that I feel really bad about it now because obviously none of that is true. You are actually the star of your marriage, a good wife and a career success and a great mom and I guess... You deserve that shitty man. You really do."
Ellen: "I gotta go talk to my boyfriend now. I hope you choke on somebody's hairy nuts."


Person: "I can't track Carlisle's phone! Nor that of the mysterious girl one. In fact there's nothing quote 'emanating' from any of their phones. Team Duncan is off the grid!"
Blair: "I swear to God, if that asshole is in New York trying to sabotage another assassination I am really going to have to rethink whether we can trust him or not."
Person: "Okay we can facial-recognize his beautiful gerbil face in NYC, using software."

Archer: "Why are we switching burner phones? Are ours not 'emanating' properly?"
Duncan: "No! It's because of, we are all going to die. I forgot to tell you!"
Archer: "I kind of figured that out based on how they are always trying to kill us before we can kill the President like they asked us to."

Duncan: "We have 72 minutes, that's not enough time to properly sweep even one, let alone three of these buildings you could snipe from. Ellen will call soon."
Archer: "Do you really trust her to come up with these schematics? And not just run off into the wilderness like she has done in every single episode to this point?"
Duncan: "After my wife, she is the greatest woman I have ever met or even heard of. If she says she can find schematics she will find schematics."
Ellen: "Duncan it's me. I have schematics."
Duncan: "See?"

What she can't do, is read schematics. She thinks a "blueprint" is a shopping website for shoes! She thinks a "schematic" is a cocktail you have after work with the ladies! She thinks "elevation" is a line of yoga clothing! She thinks "window tint" is something with computers! She thinks a "surveyor" is a kind of beautician at the mall that is just trying to sell you expensive products! She thinks "rebar" is when you forget your ID and have to go back to the bar before closing time! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay in all three of these skyscrapers at once, Ellen. You better pull it together and figure out which one is the best for church murder!

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