Hostages
The Good Reason

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 9 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Hack The Planet!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

PREVIOUSLY

Vanessa, the POTUS'S FSILOTUS, had an affair with her brother-in-law! Beardy got arrested for killing that security guy outside a hedge-funder's house while robbing a poker game! Duncan Carlisle got the Secret Service to leave Ellen alone regarding the kidnapping and accidental murder of her friend Nurse Angela, whom she was later forced to bury in a shallow grave! Tate tried to think of sixty ways to escape or kill Duncan, and the Sanderses screwed 'em all up one by one! But then Ellen found out that if Duncan dies, or the President does not die, everybody would get murdered -- moments too late to stop Tate from successfully shooting up Duncan with the Presidential poison!

NOW

Ellen: "Tate, stop stabbing our buddy Duncan with that poison! Duncan, you sit down so the poison doesn't squish all through your body."
Duncan: "Don't even touch me. I am so sick of this shit with you guys."
Ellen: "It's okay, I talked to your father-in-law and I get it now. I am onboard your entire plan, even without being brainwashed."
Tate: "I must confess I am confused by everything that is happening."
Duncan: "If you don't stop trying to kill me different ways, I am going to shoot you."
Ellen: "For medicinal reasons, I have to cut giant holes in Duncan and fill them with ice."
Tate: "Yeah, still not getting what is going on here."
Ellen: "I could explain this to you in one second, because this simplistic TV show is dumb enough for a small child to follow, but I prefer to use that time yelling that I can't explain it to you!"

They put Duncan in the bathtub and cover him with ice. Ellen goes, "Stay with me, Duncan! Stay with me!" Because eventually his wife is gonna die, as cancer is real and cannot be cured by magic beans -- and Tate seems determined to murder himself as quickly as possible -- so very soon they can be together. She can trade in her horrible daughter for Soy-Soy, and live with perfect Duncan and his utter competence and dat ass. But not if he dies from a magic potion she can't, so she's gotta get him fixed.

NEXT DAY

Ellen: "Glad that untraceable poison that works instantly... didn't."
Duncan: "You made a good call last night. Keeping me from dying of a poison."
Ellen: "I kinda wish you had just explained like a quarter of what's going on. Although I still wish I knew what's so bad about the President. I mean, I am willing to protect our families from dying -- your whole plan was based on my willingness to save my family and/or be a serial killer of rapists -- so nothing much has changed. But I'd prefer the carrot over the stick, if you know what I mean."

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Hostages

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