House

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Sara M: B- | 1968 USERS: B-
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Lisa Cuddy and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The very lawyerly-named lawyer, Ronald Westbrook, represents a former PPTH patient named Martin Acevedo, which is Spanish for "Ungrateful Bastard." He's suing PPTH and Chase for performing surgery on him without his consent. Cuddy says she saw the signed consent forms with her own two eyes. Westbrook says Martin signed under the belief that he'd just be getting stitches to close the wound where his thumb used to be before he accidentally cut it off with a table saw. Instead, Chase re-attached his thumb like an asshole.

Cuddy goes to Chase, who admits that Martin requested the "cheapest" solution his missing thumb problem because he had to cover 40% of the cost thanks to his crappy insurance. Oh my god, is this an episode of House or is it a Michael Moore documentary? Health insurance is a freaking mess, but I don't know that the best way to show that is with a guy who thinks breast milk will cure his cancer and another guy who is such a penny pincher that he'd rather lose his ability to pinch than pay for thumb re-attachment surgery. Chase just couldn't let a good thumb go to waste, so as soon as they put Martin under, Chase went and re-attached his thumb anyway, figuring Martin would be grateful. Instead, Martin is on the hook for thousands of dollars in unwanted medical bills so he and his insurance company are suing PPTH to get out of paying the $80,000 bill. Chase just shrugs and says he couldn't bear to leave a patient unnecessarily thumbless "just to save a couple of bucks." Then he shouldn't have lied to his patient in the first place. I hope this comes out of his paycheck. And he gets fired. Because even though reattaching the thumb might have been in Martin's best interest, I don't like the thought of a surgeon being allowed to do whatever surgery he thinks is best for me, whether I want him to or not.

Cuddy doesn't have time to fight with Chase, though, as it's time for her meeting with Gail, the pharmacist. Gail is slightly overweight, which is how Cuddy knew that she must have ordered that ephedrine for herself to use as a weight loss aid. And she couldn't buy a diet pill at the drug store? Or a salad? Really? But Gail seems to think that ephedrine was the only way for her to lose weight and thus the only way her husband would find her attractive again. Cuddy says there are "healthy" and "legal" ways to lose weight. Like not eating so much, which should be easy for Gail now that she is sure to be unemployed. She begs Cuddy not to fire her, but come the hell on, Gail. She puts a big guilt trip on Cuddy, saying her husband will divorce her for sure if she gets fired, like her marriage problems are Cuddy's fault. Also, whoever is playing Gail is a terrible actress. She's supposed to be crying but there are no tears and her forehead isn't wrinkled so it looks like she's laughing rather than sobbing. They couldn't find any other slightly overweight actresses for this part? Cuddy says she'll do Gail a favor by not reporting her to the DEA, but she has to fire her. Cuddy at least has the grace to look sad about it. I wouldn't. You steal drugs from my pharmacy and you are done! Also, Gail called out sick today but she doesn't seem very sick. She was probably lying about that too. Go burn some calories on the long walk to HR, Gail!

House

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